On the heels of reading, "Bound for Glory" John Dos Passos' novel "42nd Parallel comes off as a bit stale, and left me feeling a bit like I was studying up on the labor movement and jumping trains. This might be one area where memoir--handled deftly-- has an edge over fiction. Because Woody took himself for granted he spent more time thinking about the people/characters he encountered and they seemed more provocative. Dos Passos writes in a removed 3rd person about 5 or 6 main characters but the people they encounter are unimpressive. When D.P. is the story of one of his main characters the book moves along well and interestingly. When he is writing a "Newsreel" or "Camera Eye" They drag and for me ultimately seem unimportant.
"The 42nd Parallel" is the first book in a trilogy encapsulating the rise of market capitalism over the turn of the last century and ending in the great fall of the 1927 crash and entrance into the great depression. It is a topic I am interested in, and Dos Passos has a populist viewpoint, but I am not sure if I will run out and buy books two and three. I think ultimately his detachment from his characters left me feeling alienated from them.
The second novel I read this week, the short novel, "The Death of Ivan Ilych" by Leo Tolstoy does not suffer from authorial detachment. In fact Tolstoy takes you right to the center of his protagonists head and heart as he suffers a mysterious ailment that accompanies him down the road to death.
I read this novella in high school and I think again in college, and the scene that had stayed with me was how he at one point rolled over faced the wall in a gesture of giving up hope. I thought of him twenty or thirty times this summer as I rolled over myself. I had thought that gesture was his final one but really it was a middle gesture from which their was no actual hope of recovery.
Not knowing any other languages and being unable unable really to master my own, I am leery of translation. Especially of Russian translations of the Great Masters. I have no way of measuring how much they add or subtract from the texts in front of me and so I feel kind of like a November voter, "I am predisposed to like this guy. But what the hell do I know about it." That not-withstanding I was impressed by Tolstoy's ability to negotiate multiple viewpoints or perspectives in a line or two.
Friday, November 12, 2010
Monday, November 8, 2010
The Eggnog Latte Review: Issue 3 Vol 2
Name: Starbucks
Peripheries
Location: Merle Hay Mall parking lot
Advertisement: Pumpkin Spice Latte's had fancy signage. I feel slighted.
Willingness to provide: Aren't they always just so happy at Starbucks? That is to snarky, I've been to this particular one 4 times and found them to be pleasant. The store has also been sunny and brightly lit.
Side dish: Old Fashioned Donut and Old Fashioned Coffee Cake. I do not like Starbucks "treats" and I hate that their other coffee cakes are low-fat garbage things.
The Drink (#of eggs, out of 5)
Cup: tall, paper, required cardboard sleeve. I was driving so I do not remember if it had slogans and advertisement like Starbucks often does and which drives me apeshit.
Temperature: Hot. I was able to begin consumption right away.
Source of Nog: Unknown. Chemically mix. (1 eggs)
Coffee: Underwhelming. I looked for it and didn't find it. (2 eggs)
Swallow: "eggnog," metal, milk. (3 eggs)
Nutmeg: it tasted like a holiday drink. (2 eggs)
Cover: none. And how could it? (0 eggs)
Finish: Gross. Thick and oily. the only part of it that made me think there might be real Nog in play but was probably just not mixed well. (1 egg)
Other: In full disclosure I am writing this after the fact and without the evidence on hand. Also, Starbucks was the first place I ever tried an eggnog latte as many as 7 years ago, and I almost never tried one again.
Final Score: 2.5 eggs it is to eggnog latte's what McDonald's is to the hamburger. And it shows.
Our Friend Kim will be in Iowa later this week and into next week. She will be bringing her poets pallet and special eggnog rubric to bare upon the services of our town. So keep your eyes peeled for that.
Peripheries
Location: Merle Hay Mall parking lot
Advertisement: Pumpkin Spice Latte's had fancy signage. I feel slighted.
Willingness to provide: Aren't they always just so happy at Starbucks? That is to snarky, I've been to this particular one 4 times and found them to be pleasant. The store has also been sunny and brightly lit.
Side dish: Old Fashioned Donut and Old Fashioned Coffee Cake. I do not like Starbucks "treats" and I hate that their other coffee cakes are low-fat garbage things.
The Drink (#of eggs, out of 5)
Cup: tall, paper, required cardboard sleeve. I was driving so I do not remember if it had slogans and advertisement like Starbucks often does and which drives me apeshit.
Temperature: Hot. I was able to begin consumption right away.
Source of Nog: Unknown. Chemically mix. (1 eggs)
Coffee: Underwhelming. I looked for it and didn't find it. (2 eggs)
Swallow: "eggnog," metal, milk. (3 eggs)
Nutmeg: it tasted like a holiday drink. (2 eggs)
Cover: none. And how could it? (0 eggs)
Finish: Gross. Thick and oily. the only part of it that made me think there might be real Nog in play but was probably just not mixed well. (1 egg)
Other: In full disclosure I am writing this after the fact and without the evidence on hand. Also, Starbucks was the first place I ever tried an eggnog latte as many as 7 years ago, and I almost never tried one again.
Final Score: 2.5 eggs it is to eggnog latte's what McDonald's is to the hamburger. And it shows.
Our Friend Kim will be in Iowa later this week and into next week. She will be bringing her poets pallet and special eggnog rubric to bare upon the services of our town. So keep your eyes peeled for that.
Help me to understand you and your child
I found this sheet and the questions made me mad. rather than throw it away I did the mature thing and set it aside so Katy and I could answer it. She went ahead and answered it without me, so I went out-got trashed- and answered it at 2am. Surprisingly, I still agree with everything I wrote, except the Ozarks.
Name: Katy Reeder [editors note: where am I?]
1. What I like most about my child is: (KF)How interesting and fascinating she is. She has great ideas. (I didn't answer)
2. As a I was: (kf left blank) (me)Short, skinny, and less than 6yrs old.
3. So far, most of my knowledge about being a parent has been from: (KF) From books, my peers, my family. (me) common sense, my children.
4. All children are alike in that they: (KF) are individuals--how could they be the same.
5. All children are alike in that they:(KF) are learning and growing. (me) and are smarter than you think they are X's seven.
6. The most important thing I feel that a child needs to learn is: (KF) That they have worth and can accomplish things independently. (me) And are loved and can love.
7. One thing that I learned as a child that I will never forget is: (me) I aint worth shit.
8. To me, a newborn baby is: (KF) a person who needs care and love and support to reach their potential.
9. The place that I liked to be the most as a child was: under the table.
10. The thing that I like to do the most with my child is: (me) Sleep. Or listen to them digest the world.
11. My favorite activity as a child was: (KF) Swimming and dancing.
12. My childhood hero was: (KF) N/A (me to Katy not applicable) We did not have "hero's" as children because we knew that guidance came from within.
13. My favorite book or story as a child was: (KF) Banner, Forward! (about a golden retriever who was a guide dog.)
14. I believe that childhood should be: (me)Extended far beyond what the books or Ozarks say.
15. What I expect from my child's teacher most is: (me)To provide security, love, gentleness, options (for behavior) and a sense of specialness and belonging for EVERY child!!!
Name: Katy Reeder [editors note: where am I?]
1. What I like most about my child is: (KF)How interesting and fascinating she is. She has great ideas. (I didn't answer)
2. As a I was: (kf left blank) (me)Short, skinny, and less than 6yrs old.
3. So far, most of my knowledge about being a parent has been from: (KF) From books, my peers, my family. (me) common sense, my children.
4. All children are alike in that they: (KF) are individuals--how could they be the same.
5. All children are alike in that they:(KF) are learning and growing. (me) and are smarter than you think they are X's seven.
6. The most important thing I feel that a child needs to learn is: (KF) That they have worth and can accomplish things independently. (me) And are loved and can love.
7. One thing that I learned as a child that I will never forget is: (me) I aint worth shit.
8. To me, a newborn baby is: (KF) a person who needs care and love and support to reach their potential.
9. The place that I liked to be the most as a child was: under the table.
10. The thing that I like to do the most with my child is: (me) Sleep. Or listen to them digest the world.
11. My favorite activity as a child was: (KF) Swimming and dancing.
12. My childhood hero was: (KF) N/A (me to Katy not applicable) We did not have "hero's" as children because we knew that guidance came from within.
13. My favorite book or story as a child was: (KF) Banner, Forward! (about a golden retriever who was a guide dog.)
14. I believe that childhood should be: (me)Extended far beyond what the books or Ozarks say.
15. What I expect from my child's teacher most is: (me)To provide security, love, gentleness, options (for behavior) and a sense of specialness and belonging for EVERY child!!!
music and a story
In late September, for the girls birthdays, we went to see Elizabeth Mitchell and also Justin Roberts in Des Moines. It was the only cold and crappy day of the fall so far, and that was to bad since they had a lot of other music available. I was afraid that E.M. might be a little strummy and like bedtime for our girls. Who were giant big Justin Roberts fans (and had seemed to move on from Elizabeth) but I was wrong. Elizabeth Mitchell was so graceful and her voice is so wonderful the 45 minutes she was up there was far far far to short. Every night since the girls have fallen asleep to the new CD Sunny Day.
The best part of the concert for me was when Elizabeth was singing "Mystery Train," and asking kids for places the train could take them. 2 or 3 kids said, Des Moines or Ames or crap like that, and Nyssa raised up her hand and said, "Wrigley Field." Which was great because one she is generally shy and doesn't like attention at these kinds of things and it was not only far away, but also not a city but a place. Sure it is the only train Nyssa had ever been on, but that train went to Chicago, so she was understanding the question on a different scale. And as Elizabeth sang it her daughter asked, where is that? and Elizabeth said, "its in Chicago." I thought that was really cute.
Below are 2 really nice videos:
The best part of the concert for me was when Elizabeth was singing "Mystery Train," and asking kids for places the train could take them. 2 or 3 kids said, Des Moines or Ames or crap like that, and Nyssa raised up her hand and said, "Wrigley Field." Which was great because one she is generally shy and doesn't like attention at these kinds of things and it was not only far away, but also not a city but a place. Sure it is the only train Nyssa had ever been on, but that train went to Chicago, so she was understanding the question on a different scale. And as Elizabeth sang it her daughter asked, where is that? and Elizabeth said, "its in Chicago." I thought that was really cute.
Below are 2 really nice videos:
Friday, November 5, 2010
The Eggnog Latte Review: Issue 3 Vol 1
Grounds For Celebration: Beaverdale
Name: bad coffeehouse name. Every time I walk towards the door I am worried I am walking into a party store. Until I see the small type, "grounds for" and then I think, why do all coffeehouses need to have bad puns (except for "Late for the Train" in Flagstaff which is dumb because there is no commuter service train in Flag and they really should have splurged for the extra "t".)?*
Peripheries
Location: Central, on beaver**
Advertisement: Minimal-- I saw 2 signs for pumpkin Latte's and had to really look for eggnog.
Willingness to provide: "Okay" but no real excitement. I felt as if I might be the only asker. (No information on date of first nog served)
Side dish: Sitting aside, untasted/untried.
The Drink (#of eggs, out of 5)
Cup: tall, pleasing to look at, does not require cardboard sleeve.
Tempature: Hot hot! After drive home, letting dogs out and in, arranging sofa, and talking to wife, the first sip was Hot. Just right. What would it have been at counter, frozen pizza hot? (4.5 eggs, perfect for travel but with concern)
Source of Nog: Anderson Erickson(?), (Lite?--the package looked like lite, but did not see that word)- (4 eggs for use of carton, with hesitations)
Coffee: Underwhelmed, only bitter. (3 eggs)
Swallow: Light, bitter, nutmeg, "flavor," cover. Pleasant. (4 eggs)
Nutmeg: Nutmeggy, on the verge of dominant. (4 eggs)
Cover: Smooth, not glossy. 5 eggs
Finish: Lukewarm and thick, chemically. (1 egg) ***
Other: A slight chemical after-taste. Added spice "flavor"?
Result: ****
Final Score:
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*And yes I know I am contradicting myself, but it is a bad pun EYE thought of.
**heehee
***I had already given a score before I got to the bottom of the cup, so it did not effect the score, but should have.?.
****only some of you will want to know, so you will have to ask (I am maturing). I must excuse myself to go find out.
Name: bad coffeehouse name. Every time I walk towards the door I am worried I am walking into a party store. Until I see the small type, "grounds for" and then I think, why do all coffeehouses need to have bad puns (except for "Late for the Train" in Flagstaff which is dumb because there is no commuter service train in Flag and they really should have splurged for the extra "t".)?*
Peripheries
Location: Central, on beaver**
Advertisement: Minimal-- I saw 2 signs for pumpkin Latte's and had to really look for eggnog.
Willingness to provide: "Okay" but no real excitement. I felt as if I might be the only asker. (No information on date of first nog served)
Side dish: Sitting aside, untasted/untried.
The Drink (#of eggs, out of 5)
Cup: tall, pleasing to look at, does not require cardboard sleeve.
Tempature: Hot hot! After drive home, letting dogs out and in, arranging sofa, and talking to wife, the first sip was Hot. Just right. What would it have been at counter, frozen pizza hot? (4.5 eggs, perfect for travel but with concern)
Source of Nog: Anderson Erickson(?), (Lite?--the package looked like lite, but did not see that word)- (4 eggs for use of carton, with hesitations)
Coffee: Underwhelmed, only bitter. (3 eggs)
Swallow: Light, bitter, nutmeg, "flavor," cover. Pleasant. (4 eggs)
Nutmeg: Nutmeggy, on the verge of dominant. (4 eggs)
Cover: Smooth, not glossy. 5 eggs
Finish: Lukewarm and thick, chemically. (1 egg) ***
Other: A slight chemical after-taste. Added spice "flavor"?
Result: ****
Final Score:
 |
| (just under) 4 eggs. Best of the season so far (1st). |
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
*And yes I know I am contradicting myself, but it is a bad pun EYE thought of.
**heehee
***I had already given a score before I got to the bottom of the cup, so it did not effect the score, but should have.?.
****only some of you will want to know, so you will have to ask (I am maturing). I must excuse myself to go find out.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
If This Was
If this was a real blog...
If I weres a real person...
If I knew how to string a narrative together, "you" that are reading this would have a more distinct time-line of my last 12, 9, 6, 2 months. (Those are about the important increments give or take a month.)
I do not remember if I have made this joke here already, (part of the reason will be apparent in the joke) and as a joke it has only made one person laugh out loud (which is how I knew she was right for me), but here goes (again): "In the last 12 months I might have lost my health, my father, a bunch of friends, my job and my mind, but I gained a stutter and short term memory loss."
Inanycase now you are caught up on months 12, 9 and 6. You also know I am not a real comedian, because someone like Gabe Kaplan would have Groucho Marx'd it and said, "...a stutter, memory loss, and a pickle dressed up as a herring."
But enough about my wife. I still don't have my health, father or job, but starting back 2 months ago I began to get my mind back. Slowly.
If I was a real writer, someone who had the confidence necessary to take solace in the loneliness of the task, I would already have the basis of a nice and informative memoir. I do not believe in memoir, there is to much editing between the head, the fingers, and the page. And I think I know instinctively that the pages I turned out would be solely for me, my edification, and the construction of a brick wall that I could point to instead of the mush that actually happened. The facts by themselves are not interesting, I was sad and I.
When I first began to collapse back in March, I thought, all these 5 years of work and I am knocked back to where I started. I was mostly mad that I had to re-climb but positive that the trip up would be faster then it had been the first time. *
Come May the mountain building was extreme and rather than regaining a plateau or two I was sunk into absolute wilderness. In September I had meaningful tasks put in front of me and I was able to do them and enjoy them.** In the difference between action and inaction I was able to recalibrate my mental health, I was still worse than I was 5 years ago, but I was also occasionally out of the abyss enough to be able to recognize when something caused me to fall back in.
You only know where you are if you can place it in relation to something. Losing my health, losing my job, these were inexorable occurrences. They made no sense (in logical/polite society) : I had no symptoms leading up to my illness, what I thought was asthma, and it did not respond to the treatment like it should have (because it wasn't asthma, but a chest infection that apparently didn't have other symptoms), and although there were symptoms and signs for my job, they did not match up with words or actions***
My task of finding and buying a house ended in mid September and I had a month of "packing" to fall back into the sloth of despair. Still I knew that I could be engaged and competent in the completion of a task. I had a success by which I could gauge my well-being. And recently, moving, I built on that success in a new shadow free environment where I could come home and not already feel the years of gordon-molder-and-decay.
I felt free leaving Roland. Free moving to a place no one knew me. Even my furniture, my same old shit, had the chance to be reduced, revitalized, reorganized, repaired. (My sloth and stink has crept into this house now partly, but we made some good decision getting rid of the TV is primary, cutting out space for an office, and deciding to bring my books back into the house and put them in one location.
This last thing I dreaded the most. 4 years ago we packed them up thinking they'd stay in storage for a few months while we sold our house and had our baby. and they sat there with mice and poop and 100% humidity and 2feets of snow, and in my mind they became dusty and decayed. And in the crazyness of 2 dogs and 2 babies I convinced myself I no longer deserved them--really no longer deserved the space they took up in our house (same with an office).
I know I am rambling.
I was afraid to go get the boxes, and I was afraid to bring them into the house, and afraid to open them. So far I have only found 1 ruined book out of 10 boxes. And I think there is only maybe one box that might be damaged. That is pretty sweet!
I had a nice time tonight remembering all of these books, seeing the "collections" I had. I thought I would be negative towards all the useless textbooks and crap i never read, but even books i wont ever read again, I wanted to hang onto because they represented a specific time-texture-moment-enjoyment, and I realized those moments will hold value for me down the line.
And I opened them at an odd time, the same week that I found reading again. The past few years I have read, if at all, jealous and angry****. I have pitted myself against books and found myself a failure even within their inadequacies. But this week I have read one book and started another and one is important (Bound for Glory by Woody Guthrie) and one might turn out to be (the 24th Parallel by John Dos Passos) but just the consumption of words, turning of pages, and embrace of time spent ticking, has been rewarding.
That is it. That was the point I was trying to get at, through loss and death I have begun to find rebirth in activities I had set aside long before and not as symptoms of my decay.
-G$
*An interesting side note: Around last summer so even before and definitely after I lost my health I was not on firm ideological ground. Choices and ideas that I embraced in my teens and twenties were seeming to no longer have a grounded base holding them up. "Do I still believe that?" "How did I get to that belief" and the reason I asked was, "how do these steadfast ideas mesh,mingle,mix with my new and improving self?" It was not a crisis of confidence, but when that crisis came along with the others I was more ripe for collapse.
**Ironically one task I sought to accomplish right here, the listening to problems and giving of advice. But none of the help I offered (and accepted) was an acceptable topic for a blog.
*** This is inanely imprecise, but knowing the signs and messages in light of the ending, I still can not wrap my firing into a cozy sentence or two. Except perhaps to say, "The shit that used to work, it don't work now." Which makes it more fitting that I got the can 2 weeks after my dad died.
****I have even shopped for books angry, which I am not sure has changed.
If I weres a real person...
If I knew how to string a narrative together, "you" that are reading this would have a more distinct time-line of my last 12, 9, 6, 2 months. (Those are about the important increments give or take a month.)
I do not remember if I have made this joke here already, (part of the reason will be apparent in the joke) and as a joke it has only made one person laugh out loud (which is how I knew she was right for me), but here goes (again): "In the last 12 months I might have lost my health, my father, a bunch of friends, my job and my mind, but I gained a stutter and short term memory loss."
Inanycase now you are caught up on months 12, 9 and 6. You also know I am not a real comedian, because someone like Gabe Kaplan would have Groucho Marx'd it and said, "...a stutter, memory loss, and a pickle dressed up as a herring."
But enough about my wife. I still don't have my health, father or job, but starting back 2 months ago I began to get my mind back. Slowly.
If I was a real writer, someone who had the confidence necessary to take solace in the loneliness of the task, I would already have the basis of a nice and informative memoir. I do not believe in memoir, there is to much editing between the head, the fingers, and the page. And I think I know instinctively that the pages I turned out would be solely for me, my edification, and the construction of a brick wall that I could point to instead of the mush that actually happened. The facts by themselves are not interesting, I was sad and I.
When I first began to collapse back in March, I thought, all these 5 years of work and I am knocked back to where I started. I was mostly mad that I had to re-climb but positive that the trip up would be faster then it had been the first time. *
Come May the mountain building was extreme and rather than regaining a plateau or two I was sunk into absolute wilderness. In September I had meaningful tasks put in front of me and I was able to do them and enjoy them.** In the difference between action and inaction I was able to recalibrate my mental health, I was still worse than I was 5 years ago, but I was also occasionally out of the abyss enough to be able to recognize when something caused me to fall back in.
You only know where you are if you can place it in relation to something. Losing my health, losing my job, these were inexorable occurrences. They made no sense (in logical/polite society) : I had no symptoms leading up to my illness, what I thought was asthma, and it did not respond to the treatment like it should have (because it wasn't asthma, but a chest infection that apparently didn't have other symptoms), and although there were symptoms and signs for my job, they did not match up with words or actions***
My task of finding and buying a house ended in mid September and I had a month of "packing" to fall back into the sloth of despair. Still I knew that I could be engaged and competent in the completion of a task. I had a success by which I could gauge my well-being. And recently, moving, I built on that success in a new shadow free environment where I could come home and not already feel the years of gordon-molder-and-decay.
I felt free leaving Roland. Free moving to a place no one knew me. Even my furniture, my same old shit, had the chance to be reduced, revitalized, reorganized, repaired. (My sloth and stink has crept into this house now partly, but we made some good decision getting rid of the TV is primary, cutting out space for an office, and deciding to bring my books back into the house and put them in one location.
This last thing I dreaded the most. 4 years ago we packed them up thinking they'd stay in storage for a few months while we sold our house and had our baby. and they sat there with mice and poop and 100% humidity and 2feets of snow, and in my mind they became dusty and decayed. And in the crazyness of 2 dogs and 2 babies I convinced myself I no longer deserved them--really no longer deserved the space they took up in our house (same with an office).
I know I am rambling.
I was afraid to go get the boxes, and I was afraid to bring them into the house, and afraid to open them. So far I have only found 1 ruined book out of 10 boxes. And I think there is only maybe one box that might be damaged. That is pretty sweet!
I had a nice time tonight remembering all of these books, seeing the "collections" I had. I thought I would be negative towards all the useless textbooks and crap i never read, but even books i wont ever read again, I wanted to hang onto because they represented a specific time-texture-moment-enjoyment, and I realized those moments will hold value for me down the line.
And I opened them at an odd time, the same week that I found reading again. The past few years I have read, if at all, jealous and angry****. I have pitted myself against books and found myself a failure even within their inadequacies. But this week I have read one book and started another and one is important (Bound for Glory by Woody Guthrie) and one might turn out to be (the 24th Parallel by John Dos Passos) but just the consumption of words, turning of pages, and embrace of time spent ticking, has been rewarding.
That is it. That was the point I was trying to get at, through loss and death I have begun to find rebirth in activities I had set aside long before and not as symptoms of my decay.
-G$
*An interesting side note: Around last summer so even before and definitely after I lost my health I was not on firm ideological ground. Choices and ideas that I embraced in my teens and twenties were seeming to no longer have a grounded base holding them up. "Do I still believe that?" "How did I get to that belief" and the reason I asked was, "how do these steadfast ideas mesh,mingle,mix with my new and improving self?" It was not a crisis of confidence, but when that crisis came along with the others I was more ripe for collapse.
**Ironically one task I sought to accomplish right here, the listening to problems and giving of advice. But none of the help I offered (and accepted) was an acceptable topic for a blog.
*** This is inanely imprecise, but knowing the signs and messages in light of the ending, I still can not wrap my firing into a cozy sentence or two. Except perhaps to say, "The shit that used to work, it don't work now." Which makes it more fitting that I got the can 2 weeks after my dad died.
****I have even shopped for books angry, which I am not sure has changed.
Sunday, August 29, 2010
Big Hurt
I am watching The Big Hurt get retired by the White Sox. It is sweet and nice and a true.
"I want to thank my family, especally my oldest three, we have been through a lot, I am so glad I was able to see you grow up, I am proud of you."
He was not humble but he was teary, and he thanked everybody in the right order. Without saying it he acknowledged the hardships and the journey. As a son, hearing that from my dad at his moment would have sounded just right. "I couldn't thank everybody. I don't want to make you watch me stand out here all day crying."
He thanked his over 875 teammates...Threw out the first pitch to Carleton Fisk. Who didn't crouch, and had to get on tippy toes to hug him.
What I am thinking about is my father. He would have liked watching this, he would have appreciated the journey and the congregation.
He would have loved that The Big Hurst face and number was put on the wall right under the words, "The Catch" celebrating Germaine Wise's perfect game saving catch of Mark Burhle's perfect game. It wasn't just a perfect play, it was situationaly incredibly.
I begin to understand what Proust was talking about with his ridiculously drawn out meditation on the Madeline, how one sense, memory, impression can bleed into so many others.
Finally I find myself able to be sad about him, rather than merely miss his presence. All that other bitchshit is behind me (clearly not completely). This of course is harder, but truer and more healing. It is a place where the logic of his situation mix with the absence of his person and the gifts of his life.
His gifts where small gifts, happily repeated when Nyssa asks, "What did grand-pa say when he was surprised?"
"Oh my Heavans!"
Because he knew there many of them.
I know this post needs a lot of editing to be professional, Players spellings, maybe link to a video or two. And i might do it if I get the chance, but right now I am satisfied...-G
"I want to thank my family, especally my oldest three, we have been through a lot, I am so glad I was able to see you grow up, I am proud of you."
He was not humble but he was teary, and he thanked everybody in the right order. Without saying it he acknowledged the hardships and the journey. As a son, hearing that from my dad at his moment would have sounded just right. "I couldn't thank everybody. I don't want to make you watch me stand out here all day crying."
He thanked his over 875 teammates...Threw out the first pitch to Carleton Fisk. Who didn't crouch, and had to get on tippy toes to hug him.
What I am thinking about is my father. He would have liked watching this, he would have appreciated the journey and the congregation.
He would have loved that The Big Hurst face and number was put on the wall right under the words, "The Catch" celebrating Germaine Wise's perfect game saving catch of Mark Burhle's perfect game. It wasn't just a perfect play, it was situationaly incredibly.
I begin to understand what Proust was talking about with his ridiculously drawn out meditation on the Madeline, how one sense, memory, impression can bleed into so many others.
Finally I find myself able to be sad about him, rather than merely miss his presence. All that other bitchshit is behind me (clearly not completely). This of course is harder, but truer and more healing. It is a place where the logic of his situation mix with the absence of his person and the gifts of his life.
His gifts where small gifts, happily repeated when Nyssa asks, "What did grand-pa say when he was surprised?"
"Oh my Heavans!"
Because he knew there many of them.
I know this post needs a lot of editing to be professional, Players spellings, maybe link to a video or two. And i might do it if I get the chance, but right now I am satisfied...-G
Friday, July 23, 2010
no title
Reading Bill Simmons mailbag and he ranks the best comedians of the year for the last 25 years. I don't have much to say about that except for his analysis of the Chris Rock year:
1996: Chris Rock He underachieved on SNL to the point that, when he switched to "In Living Color" for one year, nobody gave a crap. By 1995, he had fallen into the "doing guest spots on 'Martin' and 'Fresh Prince of Bel Air'" stage of his career. And then, out of nowhere ... "Bring The Pain" happened. The best stand-up special since Eddie in his prime. Who knew?Reading, "And then, out of nowhere." was steroids. Which shows you how pervasive that label has become and how it really still ruins sports watching for me. Even as sports media rushes to tell us that these kids are alright.
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Cubs Astros_ 6-5-010
Lou in the pregame said, "Theriot what.?. He had a walk on Derby Day and today is the Belmont." It doesn't sound like Lou or Theriot will be around for very much longer.
Top of first. The Riot popped out to right on the first pitch (if he'd seen 4 more pitches he might have walked)
Tyler Colvin went opposite field for a double. BUT was doubled off on D-Lee's line-drive to the SS.
Five pitches for Roy Oswalt. Lucky for us his pitch count foe todays game is set at 22 so he wont last much past the 8th inning.
Bottom of First. 4 or 5 pitch walk to Bourn. Just what you want, speed on the bases, he steals second on the first pitch.
Save Colvin and Castro, Randy Wells and a reliever or two...Andrew Cashner, the Cubs are old-slow-and unathletic. Which is what you want from a 100+ sports (see athletic) team.
Berkman singles in Bourn 1-0 'stros.
I hate the Astros. Always have. They are the great big thorn in the Cubs butt. I'm gonna go heat up a frozen pizza. Not even my own wife reads my blog. So she wont care when I complain that I've eaten the same pizza for 15 years (Jack's cheese pizza) and yet she always brings home other types and kinds. I know she is being nice, I know she is being thoughtful. But.?. I don't know if she is paying attention
I don't get why if you know the runner is running on a 3-2 count why you play behind...it is one thing about D-Lee that drives me craisin. Ground out 4-3 end of inning.
Top 2 1-0.
Marlon Bryd leads off. He has been a pleasure to watch. thick as a shithouse he runs with speed hits consistently and does about everything right. He hits a hard grounder the SS dives for and throws him out.
The artist formerly known as A-Ram, is batting 5th tonight. He's having a Paulie Konerko start (not the start Paulie is having this year, but rather his 3 year cicada start where Paulie doesn't start hitting till August.) AND goes long for a Solo HR, 1-1.
Alf pops it up to 2nd. I like Alf. They signed him to a terrible contract (not Alf's fault) but I like his attitude and think he's probably a good guy.
Castro pops to right. As Lenbob explains how Iowa boy Eric Cooper wrongly explained his missed call last night. Castro ran into the catcher on a play at 3rd base, (about which Lenbob stupidly said, "it was a good play because he was safe." It was a good play because it took a great play to get him out and he has speed and athleticism and should use it. If he is occasionally out for pressing the issue, good.) the catcher laid down on Castro, who tried to raise himself up, but couldn't...and Iowa Boy Coop said he didn't try to get up. Whoops.
Bottom 2: 1-1
Celtics Bench Coach and defensive guru has reportedly agreed to coach the Bulls. Yeehaw.
Colvin nice running catch to end the inning.
Top 3: 1-1
Hey the slow as dirt catcher bunts! "good idea." says Lenbob.
Dempster grounds to second.
The riot takes two then grounds out.
6 more pitches for Oswalt, I can hear his shoulder creaking.
Bottom 3:
Cheese pizza with salt and peeper. Fuckin' A.
The Dump has settled in nicely, the first 2 batters K to start the inning.
And he is now getting out in front of the hitters.
1-2 HR by Keppinger, so my prior comment was prescient.
Top 4: 2-1 'Stros.
I don't like those "Messing with Sasquatch" commercials although the one that just played (I didn't watch it) had a vireo calling loudly. Totally my favorite bird.
Colvin leads off...with a K.
Lee singles through the infield to left.
Byrd doubles with a blop down the right field line. (blop? okay, but lenbob just said leaned...I think I win. And it wasn't high enough to be a bloop. So bite me.) There are 7 guys on the 40 man roster under 25. They keep talking on tv about the cubs coming youth, but I don't exactly see it there.
A-ram, 2nd & 3rd (2-2 count...which is an improvement for him) singles to left driving in a run. 2-2.
Alf: 1st & 3rd 1 out. Bloops just foul..., "falls harmlessly" (who said that? I said it ass-turd.) Sac flies to deep right. 2-3 Cubs.
Castro: first pitch ground out.
Bottom 4: 2-3
An adventurous 1st out. Ty-Ty blipped a blooper in foul ground giving C-Lee a second chance. But the real A-ram is in the building. As he makes a very nice pick up with a over-threwed throw that D-lee snugged and tugged a hustling C-lee out at first.
Someone is on first somehow.
Hunter Pence. I hate you.
Other 'stros guy singles into center. First and second 1 out.
Because Dumpster picked this "shutdown" inning to get behind every hitter.
Dump pitches out of it. On a grounder to Castro. Who is a slick short stop. I am excited about this guy and not just because his middle name is "Shuttlesworth"
Top of 5: 2-3
The butt slow catcher, catches "a bad break" and was thrown out trying to stretch a single by 17 feet at 2nd base.
Theriot sees 2 pitches and is safe on a bad play by Fat-Elivs who wiffed on the throw.
Colvin grounds out on a make-up play by Fat-Elivs...which Colvin made very close at 1st.
Bottom 5: 2-3
I'm crabby. I hate Oswalt. I hate Texas. I'd like to see a brawl. But it wont happen this Cubs team has about as much fire and emotion as a fiery-emotional bagel.
The riot pulled Lee off the base and Bourn is safe at 1st with 1 out. Lee argued but Bourn looked safe to me.
4-6-3...I love me some Starlin DeJesus Castro.
Top 6: 2-3
Lee lines a 2-bagger to left.
Byrd doubles in Lee: 2-4. It was not a pretty double, Kinda a shithouse double, just like we like him.
A-ram is back! popping up the SS.
Alf pops the 1st pitch up the right.
Lenbob are talking about eligible 'stros for a trade. Now here is where the Cubbies could make some Hay. Theriot, Fontenot, Nady, Gorzelany, any of our starters aside from Wells, Lee, A-ram, Fukudome, Soto. I would trade everyone of those guys...and some of them I would give away...pay away if I had too.
Obviously, no one is trading for Alf or Z's contract (probaly not Lily's or Demp's either but I don't know how long they've got) but all the rest of the guys would have value and could help a winning team. That is the bad thing about A-ram's divorce (I mean bad start...I don't know he's having personal problems, just that he is playing like it.) it hurts his market value.
The Cubs could maybe get some good young talent back from trading Lilly or Lee or A-ram...and I get rid of them all.
Bottom 6: 2-4
Dumpster is 40-40 as a cub and making 13.5 mil...and Chicago is not a racist town? lets see Big Z might not have ever won more than 12 games but he's 106-72.
3 up 3 down, I think.
Top 7: 2-4
The always exciting Butt Slow Hill is up to bat and even my dog Macy knows to gag.
Hill walks.
Dempster with a classic bunt.
And The riot swings at the first pitch, happily he misses.
The riot waits for a 2-2 count...pops to right, Hunter Pentz thought it was out 3...but butt slow Hill made nothing of it.
Ty-ty needs a 2 out base-hit.
AND THERE IT IS! a 2run HR to right field: 2-6
Lee flies to straight away center. I've always said he had warning hill power.
Always nice to put up an easy 6 on Oswalt (who I wont forget beaned Michael Barret showing Cub fans that the team wouldn't stand up for Barret and he needed to stand up for himself...making the 'stros mad and driving them to pass the disintegrating Cubbies)
Bottom 7: 2-6
Fly to rt.
Quintero: solo HR -- 2nd of year.
By easy 6 I mean scoring in multiple innings.
[One of my theories of why the Cubs suck historically, is that they give up more HR's to non-home run hitters, and in more bad situations, then other teams. Look at today, it was Keppinger's 1st and Q's 2nd]
That's it for Dempster. 3 runs in 7+ innings.
Sean Marshall in. 2 quick outs. He and Marmol are keepers.
What my theory indicates is that the Cubs lack concentration. You can see that this year in their records against quality opponents is better than against losing teams.
Top 8: 3-6
Oswalt is gone. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Katy and the kids made it to Madison safely. Which is nice. I love them.
Byrd singles up the middle.
A-Ram has 2 hits tonight. In fact 2-5 have 9 hits. That is a nice and unusual sight so far this year.
A-ram laces a single to right and Shithouse runs pleasantly into third. It is fun watching Byrd run, because you know he is fast, but he doesn't look fast, and he is a perfect rectangle with feet.
Alf is up, with an O'ffer. and Lenbob call HR300. we'll see.
Instead he walks to load the bases for Castro.
No outs bases-loaded. I don't care what happens I just want to see Castro run, he is the opposite of Byrd, so fast he hardly seems to move. They said, Pie and Patterson were fast...This kid IS fast. 5-2-3 dp, fast. On a 1-0 count after Alf had walked. Not good.
Butt slow Hill needs a 2 out knock. And they change pitchers on an 1-0 strike...giving perspective to Castros failure.
Hill doubles down the left field line. 2 runs score: 3-8.
Sean Marshall bats. This I think is a mistake. He's been in 28 games, with a 5 run lead lets let him rest... and get Drew-Drew Cashner into the game. He K's, backwards.
Bottom 8: 3-8
I'm tired. But it is only 8:30. And with 2 outs in the 8th Lou comes and gets Marshall...What the hell is that? 4 up 4 down let him just finish it out. Or pinch hit for him and have Stevens start the 8th. This seems like, "over-managing stupidness."
Top 9: 3-8
An incredibly stupid, melodramatic commercial for "ice road truckers" I'll have'ta catch a viewing of that later.
The riot: Looks at 2 strikes. Good eye. Works to 2-2, 3-2...And down the stretch we come, and a meaningless walk in a 5 run game.
Ty-Ty facing a lefty. Tops a grounder to first and is barely beaten to the bag by the pitcher.
D-Lee: K's after being up 3-0.
Byrd: just out a 1st, too.
Bottom 9: 3-8
The riot stupidly celebrates his meaningless base on balls. That is the stuff that aggravates the hell out of me. He's supposed to be the scrappy, plays the game the right way, player and he celebrates the fact he can't draw a walk?
"Castro with a nice pick, the spin, the throw, the out." --Lenbob... That is actually exactly what happened. The Riot might be pissed he lost his SS job, but that play-- among others shows why.
The Riot's 2nd error of the game...although he was not charged with the first throw where he pulled Lee off the bag...on a quick flip from Castro that he flat out dropped. Quintero hits into a ground-rule double--Lenbob. It is a ground-rule...Different grounds have different rules-- and Marmol is getting ready in the pen.
I love love love Carlos Marmol. He is another guy who everyone should shut up about...wildness and wet or not. Let him pitch, love him, and go home.
2 quick outs and the Cubs win: 8-4. Easy and quick.
And now I'm gonna talk to my wife and kids.
Top of first. The Riot popped out to right on the first pitch (if he'd seen 4 more pitches he might have walked)
Tyler Colvin went opposite field for a double. BUT was doubled off on D-Lee's line-drive to the SS.
Five pitches for Roy Oswalt. Lucky for us his pitch count foe todays game is set at 22 so he wont last much past the 8th inning.
Bottom of First. 4 or 5 pitch walk to Bourn. Just what you want, speed on the bases, he steals second on the first pitch.
Save Colvin and Castro, Randy Wells and a reliever or two...Andrew Cashner, the Cubs are old-slow-and unathletic. Which is what you want from a 100+ sports (see athletic) team.
Berkman singles in Bourn 1-0 'stros.
I hate the Astros. Always have. They are the great big thorn in the Cubs butt. I'm gonna go heat up a frozen pizza. Not even my own wife reads my blog. So she wont care when I complain that I've eaten the same pizza for 15 years (Jack's cheese pizza) and yet she always brings home other types and kinds. I know she is being nice, I know she is being thoughtful. But.?. I don't know if she is paying attention
I don't get why if you know the runner is running on a 3-2 count why you play behind...it is one thing about D-Lee that drives me craisin. Ground out 4-3 end of inning.
Top 2 1-0.
Marlon Bryd leads off. He has been a pleasure to watch. thick as a shithouse he runs with speed hits consistently and does about everything right. He hits a hard grounder the SS dives for and throws him out.
The artist formerly known as A-Ram, is batting 5th tonight. He's having a Paulie Konerko start (not the start Paulie is having this year, but rather his 3 year cicada start where Paulie doesn't start hitting till August.) AND goes long for a Solo HR, 1-1.
Alf pops it up to 2nd. I like Alf. They signed him to a terrible contract (not Alf's fault) but I like his attitude and think he's probably a good guy.
Castro pops to right. As Lenbob explains how Iowa boy Eric Cooper wrongly explained his missed call last night. Castro ran into the catcher on a play at 3rd base, (about which Lenbob stupidly said, "it was a good play because he was safe." It was a good play because it took a great play to get him out and he has speed and athleticism and should use it. If he is occasionally out for pressing the issue, good.) the catcher laid down on Castro, who tried to raise himself up, but couldn't...and Iowa Boy Coop said he didn't try to get up. Whoops.
Bottom 2: 1-1
Celtics Bench Coach and defensive guru has reportedly agreed to coach the Bulls. Yeehaw.
Colvin nice running catch to end the inning.
Top 3: 1-1
Hey the slow as dirt catcher bunts! "good idea." says Lenbob.
Dempster grounds to second.
The riot takes two then grounds out.
6 more pitches for Oswalt, I can hear his shoulder creaking.
Bottom 3:
Cheese pizza with salt and peeper. Fuckin' A.
The Dump has settled in nicely, the first 2 batters K to start the inning.
And he is now getting out in front of the hitters.
1-2 HR by Keppinger, so my prior comment was prescient.
Top 4: 2-1 'Stros.
I don't like those "Messing with Sasquatch" commercials although the one that just played (I didn't watch it) had a vireo calling loudly. Totally my favorite bird.
Colvin leads off...with a K.
Lee singles through the infield to left.
Byrd doubles with a blop down the right field line. (blop? okay, but lenbob just said leaned...I think I win. And it wasn't high enough to be a bloop. So bite me.) There are 7 guys on the 40 man roster under 25. They keep talking on tv about the cubs coming youth, but I don't exactly see it there.
A-ram, 2nd & 3rd (2-2 count...which is an improvement for him) singles to left driving in a run. 2-2.
Alf: 1st & 3rd 1 out. Bloops just foul..., "falls harmlessly" (who said that? I said it ass-turd.) Sac flies to deep right. 2-3 Cubs.
Castro: first pitch ground out.
Bottom 4: 2-3
An adventurous 1st out. Ty-Ty blipped a blooper in foul ground giving C-Lee a second chance. But the real A-ram is in the building. As he makes a very nice pick up with a over-threwed throw that D-lee snugged and tugged a hustling C-lee out at first.
Someone is on first somehow.
Hunter Pence. I hate you.
Other 'stros guy singles into center. First and second 1 out.
Because Dumpster picked this "shutdown" inning to get behind every hitter.
Dump pitches out of it. On a grounder to Castro. Who is a slick short stop. I am excited about this guy and not just because his middle name is "Shuttlesworth"
Top of 5: 2-3
The butt slow catcher, catches "a bad break" and was thrown out trying to stretch a single by 17 feet at 2nd base.
Theriot sees 2 pitches and is safe on a bad play by Fat-Elivs who wiffed on the throw.
Colvin grounds out on a make-up play by Fat-Elivs...which Colvin made very close at 1st.
Bottom 5: 2-3
I'm crabby. I hate Oswalt. I hate Texas. I'd like to see a brawl. But it wont happen this Cubs team has about as much fire and emotion as a fiery-emotional bagel.
The riot pulled Lee off the base and Bourn is safe at 1st with 1 out. Lee argued but Bourn looked safe to me.
4-6-3...I love me some Starlin DeJesus Castro.
Top 6: 2-3
Lee lines a 2-bagger to left.
Byrd doubles in Lee: 2-4. It was not a pretty double, Kinda a shithouse double, just like we like him.
A-ram is back! popping up the SS.
Alf pops the 1st pitch up the right.
Lenbob are talking about eligible 'stros for a trade. Now here is where the Cubbies could make some Hay. Theriot, Fontenot, Nady, Gorzelany, any of our starters aside from Wells, Lee, A-ram, Fukudome, Soto. I would trade everyone of those guys...and some of them I would give away...pay away if I had too.
Obviously, no one is trading for Alf or Z's contract (probaly not Lily's or Demp's either but I don't know how long they've got) but all the rest of the guys would have value and could help a winning team. That is the bad thing about A-ram's divorce (I mean bad start...I don't know he's having personal problems, just that he is playing like it.) it hurts his market value.
The Cubs could maybe get some good young talent back from trading Lilly or Lee or A-ram...and I get rid of them all.
Bottom 6: 2-4
Dumpster is 40-40 as a cub and making 13.5 mil...and Chicago is not a racist town? lets see Big Z might not have ever won more than 12 games but he's 106-72.
3 up 3 down, I think.
Top 7: 2-4
The always exciting Butt Slow Hill is up to bat and even my dog Macy knows to gag.
Hill walks.
Dempster with a classic bunt.
And The riot swings at the first pitch, happily he misses.
The riot waits for a 2-2 count...pops to right, Hunter Pentz thought it was out 3...but butt slow Hill made nothing of it.
Ty-ty needs a 2 out base-hit.
AND THERE IT IS! a 2run HR to right field: 2-6
Lee flies to straight away center. I've always said he had warning hill power.
Always nice to put up an easy 6 on Oswalt (who I wont forget beaned Michael Barret showing Cub fans that the team wouldn't stand up for Barret and he needed to stand up for himself...making the 'stros mad and driving them to pass the disintegrating Cubbies)
Bottom 7: 2-6
Fly to rt.
Quintero: solo HR -- 2nd of year.
By easy 6 I mean scoring in multiple innings.
[One of my theories of why the Cubs suck historically, is that they give up more HR's to non-home run hitters, and in more bad situations, then other teams. Look at today, it was Keppinger's 1st and Q's 2nd]
That's it for Dempster. 3 runs in 7+ innings.
Sean Marshall in. 2 quick outs. He and Marmol are keepers.
What my theory indicates is that the Cubs lack concentration. You can see that this year in their records against quality opponents is better than against losing teams.
Top 8: 3-6
Oswalt is gone. Good riddance to bad rubbish.
Katy and the kids made it to Madison safely. Which is nice. I love them.
Byrd singles up the middle.
A-Ram has 2 hits tonight. In fact 2-5 have 9 hits. That is a nice and unusual sight so far this year.
A-ram laces a single to right and Shithouse runs pleasantly into third. It is fun watching Byrd run, because you know he is fast, but he doesn't look fast, and he is a perfect rectangle with feet.
Alf is up, with an O'ffer. and Lenbob call HR300. we'll see.
Instead he walks to load the bases for Castro.
No outs bases-loaded. I don't care what happens I just want to see Castro run, he is the opposite of Byrd, so fast he hardly seems to move. They said, Pie and Patterson were fast...This kid IS fast. 5-2-3 dp, fast. On a 1-0 count after Alf had walked. Not good.
Butt slow Hill needs a 2 out knock. And they change pitchers on an 1-0 strike...giving perspective to Castros failure.
Hill doubles down the left field line. 2 runs score: 3-8.
Sean Marshall bats. This I think is a mistake. He's been in 28 games, with a 5 run lead lets let him rest... and get Drew-Drew Cashner into the game. He K's, backwards.
Bottom 8: 3-8
I'm tired. But it is only 8:30. And with 2 outs in the 8th Lou comes and gets Marshall...What the hell is that? 4 up 4 down let him just finish it out. Or pinch hit for him and have Stevens start the 8th. This seems like, "over-managing stupidness."
Top 9: 3-8
An incredibly stupid, melodramatic commercial for "ice road truckers" I'll have'ta catch a viewing of that later.
The riot: Looks at 2 strikes. Good eye. Works to 2-2, 3-2...And down the stretch we come, and a meaningless walk in a 5 run game.
Ty-Ty facing a lefty. Tops a grounder to first and is barely beaten to the bag by the pitcher.
D-Lee: K's after being up 3-0.
Byrd: just out a 1st, too.
Bottom 9: 3-8
The riot stupidly celebrates his meaningless base on balls. That is the stuff that aggravates the hell out of me. He's supposed to be the scrappy, plays the game the right way, player and he celebrates the fact he can't draw a walk?
"Castro with a nice pick, the spin, the throw, the out." --Lenbob... That is actually exactly what happened. The Riot might be pissed he lost his SS job, but that play-- among others shows why.
The Riot's 2nd error of the game...although he was not charged with the first throw where he pulled Lee off the bag...on a quick flip from Castro that he flat out dropped. Quintero hits into a ground-rule double--Lenbob. It is a ground-rule...Different grounds have different rules-- and Marmol is getting ready in the pen.
I love love love Carlos Marmol. He is another guy who everyone should shut up about...wildness and wet or not. Let him pitch, love him, and go home.
2 quick outs and the Cubs win: 8-4. Easy and quick.
And now I'm gonna talk to my wife and kids.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Logical Disconections_not giving up yet
I've answered 5 questions and while I think I've been somewhat correct I think the answers themselves have been over-earnest and kinda sucky. I haven't found the (a) tone(s) yet...It is harder than I thought it would be, but I enjoy taking peoples questions apart and thinking about people not named I.
So do keep sending questions...if nothing else it makes me feel important.
Otherwise my life has been moving slowly. I filed for Unemployment Insurance on March 4th and when I have time I'll detail all of the phone calls involved, and just today I received word that there was in fact money in my account (at least 6 people told me incorrectly that non-profits do not need to pay unemployment insurance). Now we'll get to see if my former employers will challenge my right to receive that money.
My initial thrill at looking for jobs a deciding that each one was meant for me has subsided. I watched these clips of Coco on 60 Minuets and was struck by how tired he looked, how disappointed he was how hard he was trying to be gracious, and how many opportunities and options have come his way. This job loss shit hurts apparently.
Which is why answering your questions is so important. How much ice cream would I eat without you?
So do keep sending questions...if nothing else it makes me feel important.
Otherwise my life has been moving slowly. I filed for Unemployment Insurance on March 4th and when I have time I'll detail all of the phone calls involved, and just today I received word that there was in fact money in my account (at least 6 people told me incorrectly that non-profits do not need to pay unemployment insurance). Now we'll get to see if my former employers will challenge my right to receive that money.
My initial thrill at looking for jobs a deciding that each one was meant for me has subsided. I watched these clips of Coco on 60 Minuets and was struck by how tired he looked, how disappointed he was how hard he was trying to be gracious, and how many opportunities and options have come his way. This job loss shit hurts apparently.
Which is why answering your questions is so important. How much ice cream would I eat without you?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Swollen Foods
Gordon!
I finally have a question!
I just sat down to eat my pre-night-class dinner of yogurt and rice Chex and discovered a problem. My yogurt is past the expiration date. It tastes fine, so I'm eating it anyway. I was wondering, though, what foods should I keep and what should I throw out after expiration? I usually just gauge by the taste or the mold. Are expiration dates for real or just stamped on everything to avoid lawsuits?
Maybe this is not a good advice column question for you ( seems like something to ask Good Housekeeping magazine instead), but thought I'd send it anyway.
Yours-
Timid EaterDear Barf Hunter,
Your grandparents would happily eat things that you'd never think of and never get sick. They had, iron stomachs. But if you tried to eat them now I think you'd puck for days. This does not mean you shouldn't eat food that is out of date. Like any lifestyle change these things take time, your belly has flora and fauna to help process the off, rotten, murky foods we have traditionally consumed. It is well worth your time cultivate a nasty dirty relationship with food. --G
Monday, April 26, 2010
3 questions_answered
Dear I Offered,Dear Pap Smear,
We recently received notice that we are approved by the United States government to adopt an orphan, which means we are officially on the "waitlist" with our agency. Although we are thrilled, over the moon excited about this, we also have so many reservations. Will we be good parents to this kid who doesn't look like us, doesn't share our genes and has experienced immense trauma and loss in his/her little life? Adoption for us is a selfish act. Many people express to us the opposite; that we are somehow saving this child. Is it right to take a child from their mother country for a "better" life only to fulfill our selfish desires to become parents when we otherwise wouldn't?
These are rather rhetorical questions, so here is my real question. Should we send out a mass "we're expecting!" email to everyone we know? I'm conflicted. We are far from the point of referral, but yet we need support, emotionally and financially to survive this. I honestly don't really like it when others send out these types of emails. I know some of the responses will be hurtful to me. "Why did you decide to adopt?" ... nobody would ask a pregnant woman why she decided to have a baby. "How much will it cost?" "So the child will be black?" "Why not [enter other country here like Haiti or the US]?". So do the benefits outweigh the negatives?-Potential Adoptive Parent
First, congratulations! (on being my first official letter response. You are a trail blazer.)
Part of what you are asking is, How can we feel the expectancy or joy of "normal" parents. Are you nervous, annoyed, over sensitive, unable to visualize your new life? Do you day dream of holding your baby? Have you picked out colors for Shim's wedding? Do you try to talk to random toddlers? Argue with your own parents? Congratulations you are an expectant parent.**
I say certainly let your important friends and relatives know of your progress towards uniting with your baby--if they don't know yet why you are adopting this would be a good time to tell them. These are the people that are going to give you the long term and tender support you desire. They always have they always will (or wont).***
I am most interested in your list of hurtful statements. I think you know they are not hurtful questions [even "why are you doing this" isn't mean. You are right people don't ask that but I WANT to ask every pregnant women: "What the hell is going through your mind." I want to ask every 2 year old that too] The questions are ham-fisted attempts to understand (and understanding is often about engaging). They are questions I would and have asked.**** Birth is beautiful and mysterious and so is adoption (both adjectives!). The hurt in your questions is partially dependent on how you feel about the person asking. You'd be ok with me asking, "why not China?" but not if the hated uncle asks? But fuck him, all he's asking is why you chose strawberry bubble gum, he's annoying and a deal (and you might even love and care about him) but its no different than puking on your rug at Christmas. To the best you can give people the benefit of the doubt and maybe they will understand beauty when presented with it.
However your question is "how do I deal with questions that hurt me." and grows out of your experience trying to get pregnant (you are currently still trying to have a baby). Loss and Grief are funny things. My father died 6 weeks ago and I definitely feel worse about it now than then. I am like a love-sick teenager listening to top 40 radio, words like "death" and "dad" pop out everywhere and remind me of him. And when they do there is a moment where I am outraged that the world could be so insensitive to my loss. How can they talk about dads when I just lost mine? The underlining pain you feel, your perceived sense of personal failure or loss, The efforts you have undertaken to have a baby (see above), both the process and social certification you have been presented with and excluded from, are still fresh in your mind. And they will be until Shim shows up--not to minimize your feelings or experiences, but, that is expectancy and parenthood. yippee.
I think knowing others good intentions is helpful, "I am hurt but they were not hurtful." is much better than "that question was hurtful to me." and knowing that your sadness is real, justified, and personal is helpful in letting the feelings flow through. When I am reminded of my dad--even in idiotic ways--I pause for a second, think of him, he is closer to me then, and move on.
Because (lets deal with your rhetorical questions)
You are having a baby. And you need to realize you have several distinct and great (and isolating) advantages. To you your baby is a gift, an honor, an obligation, an experience, a fulfillment, a fright. Parents could not have a better set of traits. Also I think those are not actually your questions but the voices of other peoples and others concerns in your head, and more fear of not being certified (you married an ugly and balding man, you didn't care, you have no problem walking down the street holding his hand). But still: "Is it right to take a child from their mother country for a 'better' life only to fulfill our selfish desires to become parents when we otherwise wouldn't?" I don't know what right is, and run from whoever tells you they do. I don't know what the accident of geographical birth is.
5
As for the trauma your baby will have experienced, I do not know, and honestly it would scare me away. But I do know that life is a funny thing, so fragile and so difficult to erase. People are resilient and adaptable they have a lifesaving ability to believe that where they are is where they should be. And its your baby goddamn it. It is supposed to be with you.
Now just just don't fuck it up. -G
Dear I offered,
In your October 23, 2008 blog you state, “It does not matter if your argument is reasonable, just that your logic is sound.” Here’s my question: did that phrase come from my ten year old, Miles? He is wonderful at arguing, isn’t usually very reasonable, but somehow it is logical. Does he have a future as a lawyer? And if so, how do I deal with him in the meantime before I shuffle him off to ten years of college?
Respectfully submitted - Angie
No. He was only 8 then. That post was for the first incarnation of this blog--platitudes for life. Platitudes interested me because they are helpful, truthful, insightful but never as much as they claim. I don't think you want me to unpack this platitude, I think you want to tease me and your son. So:
I do not sure that I am arguing for logic in this platitude, more saying American Society values what they perceive as logic a,b,c more than reason (or more than acting reasonable). But If I was going to write it today not as a platitude but in an assignment sheet for a composition essay I would change some things around, maybe: Your assertions should contain sound reason and logic. This does not mean they will be right or even helpful. (and reason is really more like detail or description there).
I can re-write the sentence 4 or 5 different ways but I'd rather start insulting you.
By saying Miles is not reasonable it seems are you saying he is emotional? You say that his arguments--I am going to call them assertions which carries less negative baggage--are logical. So why is he upset? Because he does not get what he wants? Because it appears you are not hearing his assertion? that you respond to his lack of reasonableness not his assertions? As parents, and teachers, it is our job to identify the gems hidden in our children and foster them. I might be misreading your use of reasonable, but... just because he is being unreasonable does not mean there is no reason. Figure out the reason why he is not very reasonable and help foster that.
And finally, who cares what he is going to do. You asked for this shit. Enjoy it. He's bright, smart, loved. That will take him a long way in this world. -G
Anonymous said... Funny and insightful! Here's my question:Dear Scaredycat,
My closest and longest-lasting friendships all seems to be with members of the opposite sex. I think this is either because I trust men more than other women or because I have an unconscious need to care for others, and men let me do this job. Is it a problem that my best friends are all guys? How can I change this?
How can I answer this question but with stabs in the dark? I don't know you, your age, your occupation, your marital or parental status. If your question is, "how do I become bosom buddies with girls?" the answer is: suck more cock and spend more time listening to what your female friends have to say. By alienating your male friends (introducing uncomfortable sexual issues into your friendships) you will have more time to spend with girls and be to jaw-sore to talk much.
Trust and care are pretty similar things. You'll notice that what I told you to do for your new girlfriends is care more, trust more. Attentive listening is the best way to care for someone (it is also the best way to have you ear chewed off and be taken advantage of...but this then is clearly not your best friend anyways) and by its nature involves trusting that your needs are/will be taken care of.
Is it a problem to have all guy friends as your best friends? Only if you feel it is and only if you feel then like it makes you less about yourself. Otherwise, be nice to who is nice to you and forget it. -G
*The majority of women have had a miscarriage or more, and once that has happened pregnancy is not much more than anticipation deferred and irrational fears unrealized. I am an unemployed blogger, I can't help you with the $ part, except to say it will take care of itself, it has to. The extent that this doesn't answer your question or desire, might reside in the word "normal" you want the process to be as regular, as socially polite as possible. But you know there is no such thing as that and your desire is more selfish that the selfishness you list above. Your situation is extra-ordinary (as is pregnancy and birth btw), and like all parenting it is a journey into unfathomable love and consequence, a testament to the biological desire to reproduce.
**As you know I was/am bitter that you got a second bridal shower when we didn't get a baby shower (and we kept our first one!) So you don't feel left out I am going to take the stand that adoptive parents do not deserve baby showers.
***The widespread "were expecting" email is unimportant, you want people to certify your decision and you are afraid they wont certify you how you'd like and/or they will disagree with you. Fuck 'em. But the more solid your announcement is. "the baby is coming in 2 weeks." "We have been certified." the more positive their response. When we were thinking of names for Nyssa we'd give people a list and no one ever said they liked Nyssa as a name, in fact it was ridiculed more than once--people tease what they can't see--but once her name was a true fact we've heard no complaints.
****If you don't want to be asked hurtful questions then don't have a kid (You are having a kid, not getting.), "How come you are packing grand-pa's stuff from his and grand-ma's apartment?"
*5 Here is a tip you wont find in any parenting book. Being selfish as a parent is necessary and important. They will call it giving boundaries, finding "me" time, or other bullshit, but assuming you take good-great care of your kid, doing what you want, not caving in, is good for them.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
I Offered.
Since no one has written me any questions yet (Annie!) I have not given anyone advice through this medium. In fact my Brother-in-law would rather I became a Unitarian minister than an advice columnist. I assume this is because of the increased access to young minds (wink wink), but I don't even like Unitarians. They strikes me as dishonest to insist on the structure and the spiritual without the actual belief, assuaging the fear without venerating The Cause. So Jim agrees I should minister but disagrees on the sheep. I am choosing to answer a question posed by real life.
We had a play date Monday, two girls 3 and 1 and their mother came to side-step dog crap in our yard while I mowed our garden and grilled meat. The mother and I started talking about how...what is the correct word...batshitcrazy it is waiting for our three year old's to begin their sentences. "Bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bubbles float into the trees."
Everyone who has spent time around kids knows that they do this and I figured it was a process of learning how to talk, but what the mother and I were complaining about, "I got paranoid she had a speech problem" was that the ticks only developed recently in our 3 year old's. They spoke better, more cleanly, a month ago.
Before I had a 3 year old I figured they were just excited, over-ready to begin their story. But last night as I was listening to Nyssa and Katy do exercises in Nyssa's workbook (A fragment I never thought I would have written, but Nys loves it), The were practicing the sounds of words, trying to identify which picture started with the letter D. Nys goes, "sa sa sa sa soccer, Soccer ball does not start with D."
As she stuttered out the sound of the word, I could see her turning the sound and shape and look of the word around in her head. And I realized kids are stuttering when they are trying to tell stories because they are investigating how the words look or sound.?.
Perhaps they stutter more because they are trying to do 2 things at once, tell a story and play with a word or sound in their head (so you crabby people could say they are not focusing are wasting time) but hat explains why kids develop the stuttering habit rather than have it right away.?. It is only after they have an ability with language that they are able to play with it and explore it.?.
They are thinking: I have this adults attention, I HAVE THIS ADULTS ATTENTION now what? and That thing I want to talk about is great. and Soccer ball, is a toy and a word and sa sa sa sa, sa starts with S.
I think that is pretty amazing.
Since none of you have written me with questions yet, I sent the explanation to my friend and here is a portion of her reply: "Now the stuttering thing makes sense. Thanks…" (So I didn't include the part where she said stay out of our lives, I'm ugly and fat, and to mind our my own business...but is that really important?)
Now I have 2 testimonials. How sweet is that!
We had a play date Monday, two girls 3 and 1 and their mother came to side-step dog crap in our yard while I mowed our garden and grilled meat. The mother and I started talking about how...what is the correct word...batshitcrazy it is waiting for our three year old's to begin their sentences. "Bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bu bubbles float into the trees."
Everyone who has spent time around kids knows that they do this and I figured it was a process of learning how to talk, but what the mother and I were complaining about, "I got paranoid she had a speech problem" was that the ticks only developed recently in our 3 year old's. They spoke better, more cleanly, a month ago.
Before I had a 3 year old I figured they were just excited, over-ready to begin their story. But last night as I was listening to Nyssa and Katy do exercises in Nyssa's workbook (A fragment I never thought I would have written, but Nys loves it), The were practicing the sounds of words, trying to identify which picture started with the letter D. Nys goes, "sa sa sa sa soccer, Soccer ball does not start with D."
As she stuttered out the sound of the word, I could see her turning the sound and shape and look of the word around in her head. And I realized kids are stuttering when they are trying to tell stories because they are investigating how the words look or sound.?.
Perhaps they stutter more because they are trying to do 2 things at once, tell a story and play with a word or sound in their head (so you crabby people could say they are not focusing are wasting time) but hat explains why kids develop the stuttering habit rather than have it right away.?. It is only after they have an ability with language that they are able to play with it and explore it.?.
They are thinking: I have this adults attention, I HAVE THIS ADULTS ATTENTION now what? and That thing I want to talk about is great. and Soccer ball, is a toy and a word and sa sa sa sa, sa starts with S.
I think that is pretty amazing.
Since none of you have written me with questions yet, I sent the explanation to my friend and here is a portion of her reply: "Now the stuttering thing makes sense. Thanks…" (So I didn't include the part where she said stay out of our lives, I'm ugly and fat, and to mind our my own business...but is that really important?)
Now I have 2 testimonials. How sweet is that!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
FXB: The 10 week class
Last week Katy and I finished up our ten week class. While we would like to continue on with the exercise, time and money might get in our way. I'll let you know.
Here is how I did in upping my poor physical fitness. Keep in mind I missed at least 2/5th of the class. And was in ridiculous shape to begin with. Week 1 results in parenthesis.
Run: 8:41 (11:31)
Pushups in a min: 31 (15)
Sit ups in a minute: 34 (24)
Sit and Reach: 181/2 inches (1 inch longer)
Weight: 194 lbs (lost 41/4 lbs)
Measurements: Overall I lost 6 inches on my body measurements.
The sit ups I am okay with, but feel like I should have done more.
The pushups I am happy with considering how long my arms are and from what a lowly point I started from. But still, I was unable to do pushups quickly for the entire 60secs, crapping out with about 10 seconds left.
Sit and Reach I am disappointed in, and is kinda a result of my bigger belly which gets in the way when I bend forwards. Still, I worked hard on my flexibility and I thought 10 weeks of stretching would have yielded greater results.
Weight I am fine with. My diet was ruined by week 3 or 4 and the last 3 weeks I started to drink beer again, so although I think I could have lost 10-15 pounds just by sticking with the diet, I am fitter and leaner and feel much better.
The run I am most happy with. I hate running, and when I am doing it all I think about is how much I hate it. But to shave 3 min off, (even if I didn't try all that hard the first time) is nice. I ran the whole time and I thought perhaps I'd come in somewhere in the upper 9's, lower 10's. So 8:41 seems like an achievement to me.
-G
Here is how I did in upping my poor physical fitness. Keep in mind I missed at least 2/5th of the class. And was in ridiculous shape to begin with. Week 1 results in parenthesis.
Run: 8:41 (11:31)
Pushups in a min: 31 (15)
Sit ups in a minute: 34 (24)
Sit and Reach: 181/2 inches (1 inch longer)
Weight: 194 lbs (lost 41/4 lbs)
Measurements: Overall I lost 6 inches on my body measurements.
The sit ups I am okay with, but feel like I should have done more.
The pushups I am happy with considering how long my arms are and from what a lowly point I started from. But still, I was unable to do pushups quickly for the entire 60secs, crapping out with about 10 seconds left.
Sit and Reach I am disappointed in, and is kinda a result of my bigger belly which gets in the way when I bend forwards. Still, I worked hard on my flexibility and I thought 10 weeks of stretching would have yielded greater results.
Weight I am fine with. My diet was ruined by week 3 or 4 and the last 3 weeks I started to drink beer again, so although I think I could have lost 10-15 pounds just by sticking with the diet, I am fitter and leaner and feel much better.
The run I am most happy with. I hate running, and when I am doing it all I think about is how much I hate it. But to shave 3 min off, (even if I didn't try all that hard the first time) is nice. I ran the whole time and I thought perhaps I'd come in somewhere in the upper 9's, lower 10's. So 8:41 seems like an achievement to me.
-G
Weekly Compass 3.28-4.3.010
I explained the Weekly Compass and very much else here.
Role: Sharpen the Saw
Physical: Tucson, AZ
Social/Emotional: Vacation, family
Mental: Recharge, stay focused
Spiritual: Settle the turmoil, I can
Role: Father
Big Rocks: Arrive safe. stay engaged, patience, vision
Role: Baseball
Big Rocks: Suntan, cash, beer, 7th inning stretch*
Role: Husband
Big Rocks: Give Katy a break (see below for how I struggle with this)
Role: Son-In-Law
Big Rocks: Be thankful, be giving, be positive
Role: Job hunt: I can
Big Rocks: Finish CV, finish resume, cover letters, statement of teaching philosophy
Role: Cover letters
Big Rocks: Do magic, not show magic; form allows for creation and clarity
Role: Statement of teaching philosophy
Big Rocks: specific detail leads to insight (not vice-versa)
*We took Nyssa to a spring training game, Dodgers at Rockies, she didn't last very long. It was hot, she is a little under the weather, and apparently there was, "Too much pitching and swinging." I had fun and uncle Jim had fun, but I am not sure Katy (to whom it fell to feed and potty, how she spent the majority of her time, which meant climbing and un-climbing lots of stairs on a 95 degree day.) thought it was great.
** If you've read above you know I am on vacation with my family in Tucson, visiting my mother and brother-in-law, and his daughter, his girlfriend and her daughter. I really like sitting in his house under his american bodega, and watching the girls--mine and his--run around. The girls run and play together so well, my brother-in law's daughter takes great care of mine, she is patient with Nyssa and she is an easy caretaker of Leila. While Nyssa and the girlfriends daughter who are getting closer in age this time are playing really well, not totally sharing but running and talking and pretending. AND Leila is a champ, waddling after the 3 older girls with good humor and serious determination. It is so much fun to watch and I am having a remarkable trip. Although not getting a ton of job searching done. Oh Well.
***I have, and I soon did, get an email account for you to send your questions to, i.offered.u.asked@gmail.com. This wasn't the email I wanted, I just wanted ioffered, but apparently that has already been taken. By me, probably, so I couldn't get it again. The flood of silence has been deafening, but if you don't send me questions I will make up my own.
Role: Sharpen the Saw
Physical: Tucson, AZ
Social/Emotional: Vacation, family
Mental: Recharge, stay focused
Spiritual: Settle the turmoil, I can
Role: Father
Big Rocks: Arrive safe. stay engaged, patience, vision
Role: Baseball
Big Rocks: Suntan, cash, beer, 7th inning stretch*
Role: Husband
Big Rocks: Give Katy a break (see below for how I struggle with this)
Role: Son-In-Law
Big Rocks: Be thankful, be giving, be positive
Role: Job hunt: I can
Big Rocks: Finish CV, finish resume, cover letters, statement of teaching philosophy
Role: Cover letters
Big Rocks: Do magic, not show magic; form allows for creation and clarity
Role: Statement of teaching philosophy
Big Rocks: specific detail leads to insight (not vice-versa)
*We took Nyssa to a spring training game, Dodgers at Rockies, she didn't last very long. It was hot, she is a little under the weather, and apparently there was, "Too much pitching and swinging." I had fun and uncle Jim had fun, but I am not sure Katy (to whom it fell to feed and potty, how she spent the majority of her time, which meant climbing and un-climbing lots of stairs on a 95 degree day.) thought it was great.
** If you've read above you know I am on vacation with my family in Tucson, visiting my mother and brother-in-law, and his daughter, his girlfriend and her daughter. I really like sitting in his house under his american bodega, and watching the girls--mine and his--run around. The girls run and play together so well, my brother-in law's daughter takes great care of mine, she is patient with Nyssa and she is an easy caretaker of Leila. While Nyssa and the girlfriends daughter who are getting closer in age this time are playing really well, not totally sharing but running and talking and pretending. AND Leila is a champ, waddling after the 3 older girls with good humor and serious determination. It is so much fun to watch and I am having a remarkable trip. Although not getting a ton of job searching done. Oh Well.
***I have, and I soon did, get an email account for you to send your questions to, i.offered.u.asked@gmail.com. This wasn't the email I wanted, I just wanted ioffered, but apparently that has already been taken. By me, probably, so I couldn't get it again. The flood of silence has been deafening, but if you don't send me questions I will make up my own.
Thursday, March 25, 2010
The end of an email I wrote
My friend, the really great writer Kim Rodgers, read through yesterdays post to catch my stupid mistakes, and for some reason that made me glum. It was nothing she did (or didn't) do, it was something about the task I set myself and the way I feel about some of my writing. I am still learning, I guess, is what I am saying. But so below is the end of the email as it pertains to this blog:
My idea is that I will become, in part, an advice columnist. I know they are a dime a dozen, but what isn't? Here are the qualities I possess to recommend me for the post:
1) The title of my blog: I Offered, You Didn't Ask. I do not listen to Dr. Laura or her ilk very often, but when I have I noticed that a caller, (writer) presents one question, but Dr. Phil or his ilk, answers a very different question. So in that sense Dr. Ruth and her ilk are offering without being asked.
2) back in January, when I was still employed and still had a father, my friend Katie Gos. aprapo of nothing wrote this on my face book wall:
3) I am 37, and have thought long and hard about myself (arrogance) and how I fit into the world (insecurity). And I have the laundry list of traits, habits and hang-ups to prove it.
3b) I have put in great time and effort to identify, quantify, and adjust my own personal person.
4) I am a writer. So I have empathy. And I can draw logical connections between seemingly disparate things--This is where insight comes from.
5) What do I got to lose.
I have to go to FXB, so i will let this idea brewviate for a little while and then give you more details in my next post ("you?"--pretend you have an audience and you do!)
*egotist is not the correct word, but it is close. I am selfish, I do think largely about myself. But I also love other people and get joy from listening to and helping them. Arrogant is a more correct self-assessment (arogantist would be the word, if it was one) I think I right most of the time--especially about my insecurities.
One thing I didn't say yesterday and maybe what I was trying to get at was that with my dads death and my firing I feel like the world has opened up to reveal unlimited impossibilities. And I am not sure how to proceed.And that is when I had my next great idea! I can not become a counselor. (Right or wrong) I would argue to heavily with the basic assumptions of human behavior that psychology is based on, I like to much to find the fallacy in generalist arguments--and even the possibility of fallacy will do.
I am a sloppy perfectionist, an insecure egotist*, a sincere joker. A logical disconnection.
Talk to you soon. (I love to talk about myself, but I am much more comfortable trying to help someone else.)
My idea is that I will become, in part, an advice columnist. I know they are a dime a dozen, but what isn't? Here are the qualities I possess to recommend me for the post:
1) The title of my blog: I Offered, You Didn't Ask. I do not listen to Dr. Laura or her ilk very often, but when I have I noticed that a caller, (writer) presents one question, but Dr. Phil or his ilk, answers a very different question. So in that sense Dr. Ruth and her ilk are offering without being asked.
2) back in January, when I was still employed and still had a father, my friend Katie Gos. aprapo of nothing wrote this on my face book wall:
And Katie is a really sweet and really introspective and astute person. I am saying this not because of what she said, but because she knew I was full of bullshit when she first met me as a freshman in college, wasn't afraid to tell me so, AND yet I was able to wear her down.I've never told you this before, but I want you to know now that I live my life based on the advice I've received from you over the years. Thanks.
3) I am 37, and have thought long and hard about myself (arrogance) and how I fit into the world (insecurity). And I have the laundry list of traits, habits and hang-ups to prove it.
3b) I have put in great time and effort to identify, quantify, and adjust my own personal person.
4) I am a writer. So I have empathy. And I can draw logical connections between seemingly disparate things--This is where insight comes from.
5) What do I got to lose.
I have to go to FXB, so i will let this idea brewviate for a little while and then give you more details in my next post ("you?"--pretend you have an audience and you do!)
*egotist is not the correct word, but it is close. I am selfish, I do think largely about myself. But I also love other people and get joy from listening to and helping them. Arrogant is a more correct self-assessment (arogantist would be the word, if it was one) I think I right most of the time--especially about my insecurities.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Logical Disconnections: Weekly Compass
Being recently unemployed and having recently lost my father [Here is a question: In my last post I wrote, "If you want to see his obit click here." And just now I wrote, "having recently lost my father"... I don't mean to be repetitive, macabre or seeking of sympathy. I intend these sentences to be matter of fact statements: I lost my father (and my job) in a two week span; partially my world is spinning around, partially I do not know what either of these actions means. {About losing my job I can tell you specific processes of emotions I passed through*, and because these emotions are so present and easily attributed to job loss, in a lot of ways I have yet to begin grieving for my father. I have had one bed time meltdown where I bounced between grief and anger--The unfairness of it all! (I chose purple because it was the funniest color to have thrown a fit in.?.) over losing my father and being fired, which really just disintegrated into fear and self-loathing in Roland, Iowa. I mean: How could he not be here when I got fired? I miss him (reasonable statements of grief), I am not a good father, I am a failed writer, failed husband, unemployable, an idiot, over-done-caput (which are just well-rounded self conceptions to keep around for a rainy day in your soul). Other than that one fit, which was as much about getting fired as anything, I have merely had this thought, "I should tell dad, ____. Oh, I can't." Which is not exactly a rendering of grief.} So here is that question I promised you, when does acknowledging a situation become dwelling on an intractable fact? (maybe after a 200 word digression?)] And besides: Being recently unemployed and having recently lost my father I have had my whole world spun and turned into an unexpected opportunity (Also an unexpected fear, but I have enough resources in my wife and children, my house and yard, my friends and relations, that the fear is mostly fleeting and for bedtime). Between reading parts of 7Habits, Know the Answer, and What Color is Your Parachute?, my opportunity appears to be crying out for a structured process of self evaluation and goal setting.
I have a FranklinCovey schedule book from a previous employer, in it you get a bookmark with a slide out piece of paper called a Weekly Compass. The Compass is where you answer the question, "What is the most important thing I can do in this role this week?" The compass is meant to help you focus your attentions and efforts on the activities which are most important to attaining the goals you have set for yourself. The Franklin Covey triangle is, identify Core Values, Set Goals, Plan Weekly, Plan Daily.
The Weekly Compass helps you to plan weekly, not so much to complete your weeks tasks (you are encouraged to plan there as well) but to monitor your movement towards your goals. Being newly unemployed and fully filled with last week's resiliency (see * below), here is the Compass I filled out for last week. [I have yet to fill out this week's Compass (which shows you how week 2 of unemployment ended and (this work week) began in a clear phase of feeling lost.
To start this running feature, here is last weeks Weekly Compass:
Date: 3-15-3/20 (that is actually and exactly how I wrote the date on my Compass)
Roles and Big Rocks
Role: Sharpen the Saw (this is a 4 question section at the top of every Compass, basically, "what do I have to do to be at my peak this week?")
Physical: FXB Strong and Hard
Social/Emotional: Let Go.
Mental: Identify problem(s)
Spiritual: Ease of flow 4 negative thoughts
Now there are 7 sections where you identify your Role and your Big Rocks
Role: Father
Big Rocks: To engage. To explore the world with. To assist (as opposed to, to do).
Role: Husband
Big Rocks: To remove strain, lessen burden, express openly.
Role: Writer
Big Rocks: Getting it right, doing it wrong.
Role: Job Hunter
Big Rocks: ID wants, needs, and opportunities.
Role: Person
Big Rocks: Take time outs, pauses, to gather sense of direction and identify courses.
Role: I Can
Big Rocks: The choice to opt in--even into "chaos"--is a choice to assert control.
(*Week 1 of being fired progressed through: agitation, relief, anger and anti-social desires (A.R.A2 coalesced into a 36 hour period I lovingly refer to as "crazytown,"), disbelief, depression, and resiliency. Week 2 was titled "getting focused, feeling lost" and was uncharacterized by drinking during the NCAA's, re-energizing through exercise, and failing to capitalize on last weeks resiliency. Today is the first day of week 3 which I hope will consist of action, applications, and travel, (not to mention essaying into the Digression HOF, and instantaneous blogger fame.)
I have a FranklinCovey schedule book from a previous employer, in it you get a bookmark with a slide out piece of paper called a Weekly Compass. The Compass is where you answer the question, "What is the most important thing I can do in this role this week?" The compass is meant to help you focus your attentions and efforts on the activities which are most important to attaining the goals you have set for yourself. The Franklin Covey triangle is, identify Core Values, Set Goals, Plan Weekly, Plan Daily.
The Weekly Compass helps you to plan weekly, not so much to complete your weeks tasks (you are encouraged to plan there as well) but to monitor your movement towards your goals. Being newly unemployed and fully filled with last week's resiliency (see * below), here is the Compass I filled out for last week. [I have yet to fill out this week's Compass (which shows you how week 2 of unemployment ended and (this work week) began in a clear phase of feeling lost.
To start this running feature, here is last weeks Weekly Compass:
Date: 3-15-3/20 (that is actually and exactly how I wrote the date on my Compass)
Roles and Big Rocks
Role: Sharpen the Saw (this is a 4 question section at the top of every Compass, basically, "what do I have to do to be at my peak this week?")
Physical: FXB Strong and Hard
Social/Emotional: Let Go.
Mental: Identify problem(s)
Spiritual: Ease of flow 4 negative thoughts
Now there are 7 sections where you identify your Role and your Big Rocks
Role: Father
Big Rocks: To engage. To explore the world with. To assist (as opposed to, to do).
Role: Husband
Big Rocks: To remove strain, lessen burden, express openly.
Role: Writer
Big Rocks: Getting it right, doing it wrong.
Role: Job Hunter
Big Rocks: ID wants, needs, and opportunities.
Role: Person
Big Rocks: Take time outs, pauses, to gather sense of direction and identify courses.
Role: I Can
Big Rocks: The choice to opt in--even into "chaos"--is a choice to assert control.
(*Week 1 of being fired progressed through: agitation, relief, anger and anti-social desires (A.R.A2 coalesced into a 36 hour period I lovingly refer to as "crazytown,"), disbelief, depression, and resiliency. Week 2 was titled "getting focused, feeling lost" and was uncharacterized by drinking during the NCAA's, re-energizing through exercise, and failing to capitalize on last weeks resiliency. Today is the first day of week 3 which I hope will consist of action, applications, and travel, (not to mention essaying into the Digression HOF, and instantaneous blogger fame.)
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
Logical Disconnections: workforce
I am still trying to figure out the path for this blog. Obviously life intruded on the FXB transformation blog. I did transform, and even missing about 1/3 of the classes I stand up straighter, feel much healthier, and am noticeably thinner. I'll take my 10 week test on Thursday and see what my numbered results are. I'll let you know.
If somehow you missed my dads obit, look here. I have an extended draft of his decline that I might post here if I ever get back to working on it. We are also planning a party for him in the summer, the preperations for which might end up here.
In the meantime I have 2 thoughts for this site: 1) Situations have made me unemployed, this might be a good place to chronicle my time out of the workforces, what some of my choices are, and what I encounter on the path to prosperity. And 2) Even before I found new-found-time, I wanted to read more, and more better. one way to do that is to try and review the books here. I got one book in my pocket for to talk about later in the week.
In my first installment of somebody give me a job I'll love I email my sister Elizabeth about my experience applying for unemployment benefits:
So I signed up for unemployment benefits (This is interesting...for employers it is "unemployment insurance" for workers it is "unemployment benefits" ... maybe I am being touchy, however...) and was told I had no social security payments on record, so wasn't eligible for UB's. I was like, "I got my w-2 right here, I paid SS."
They thell me to come into the Ames office, ("Don't show up at 4:00 this is going to take a while" was his response to my asking when they close) with my W-2's. The guy who helped me (after about a 10 min wait) was was in his late 50's, not unfriendly but not welcoming either. It is not like I was opening a bank account or conducting business. But wasn't I? Anyway after I explained my situation he told me, "Oh, you worked for a non-profit. Then you aren't eligible for unemployment."
Aside from being, I think, incorrect, this is non-sense. Why is one "job" insured and not another? and I was like, I paid SS. They gave me a W-2. Also, nowhere on the website does it say anything like this. Why are they wasting my valuable time?
He's like, "Well, if they gave you a W-2, then we can appeal this."
So he spend about 10 min filling out a one page pdf, which he is apparently going to MAIL down to desmoines.
On the website it says you are eligible if your employer pays insurance. It doesn't say who doesn't have to pay (like non-profits and churches and charities...etc) it does give you a legal type PDF that mentions depending on size (a very small size) that a non-profit can pay insurance OR opt to pay whatever benefits are necessary. This, I guess, is the option my N-P is taking. BUT how come at least 3 unemployment workers didn't know this? How come my claim was delayed for at least 2 weeks?
I'm not angry or even frustrated, I'm just asking.
Gotta FXB, brother. Peace.
Otherwise my visit to the site was as you would expect. kind of dismal, polite, but not loaded with respect. you are there for a reason after all.
I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. so I'm gonna head on out!
If somehow you missed my dads obit, look here. I have an extended draft of his decline that I might post here if I ever get back to working on it. We are also planning a party for him in the summer, the preperations for which might end up here.
In the meantime I have 2 thoughts for this site: 1) Situations have made me unemployed, this might be a good place to chronicle my time out of the workforces, what some of my choices are, and what I encounter on the path to prosperity. And 2) Even before I found new-found-time, I wanted to read more, and more better. one way to do that is to try and review the books here. I got one book in my pocket for to talk about later in the week.
In my first installment of somebody give me a job I'll love I email my sister Elizabeth about my experience applying for unemployment benefits:
So I signed up for unemployment benefits (This is interesting...for employers it is "unemployment insurance" for workers it is "unemployment benefits" ... maybe I am being touchy, however...) and was told I had no social security payments on record, so wasn't eligible for UB's. I was like, "I got my w-2 right here, I paid SS."
They thell me to come into the Ames office, ("Don't show up at 4:00 this is going to take a while" was his response to my asking when they close) with my W-2's. The guy who helped me (after about a 10 min wait) was was in his late 50's, not unfriendly but not welcoming either. It is not like I was opening a bank account or conducting business. But wasn't I? Anyway after I explained my situation he told me, "Oh, you worked for a non-profit. Then you aren't eligible for unemployment."
Aside from being, I think, incorrect, this is non-sense. Why is one "job" insured and not another? and I was like, I paid SS. They gave me a W-2. Also, nowhere on the website does it say anything like this. Why are they wasting my valuable time?
He's like, "Well, if they gave you a W-2, then we can appeal this."
So he spend about 10 min filling out a one page pdf, which he is apparently going to MAIL down to desmoines.
On the website it says you are eligible if your employer pays insurance. It doesn't say who doesn't have to pay (like non-profits and churches and charities...etc) it does give you a legal type PDF that mentions depending on size (a very small size) that a non-profit can pay insurance OR opt to pay whatever benefits are necessary. This, I guess, is the option my N-P is taking. BUT how come at least 3 unemployment workers didn't know this? How come my claim was delayed for at least 2 weeks?
I'm not angry or even frustrated, I'm just asking.
Gotta FXB, brother. Peace.
Otherwise my visit to the site was as you would expect. kind of dismal, polite, but not loaded with respect. you are there for a reason after all.
I'm supposed to be working on my thesis. so I'm gonna head on out!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Logical Disconnections: Crazytown
The world has a funny way of underlining exactly where it thinks you land. Often the second blow is ancillary (and worse) than the first. Which makes shit funny.
3 hours after I get fired from a job I cared for (the first blow... but one that was more visible than a fat guys hay maker_er my hay maker) for as far as I can tell, getting sick, having an opinion, bad grammar, and having a father die I find this email in my box
Granny D. was a great, powerful, funny, force. Her words and wisdom will be greatly missed.
3 hours after I get fired from a job I cared for (the first blow... but one that was more visible than a fat guys hay maker_er my hay maker) for as far as I can tell, getting sick, having an opinion, bad grammar, and having a father die I find this email in my box
Doris "Granny D" Haddock died peacefully today in her Dublin, New Hampshire family home at 7:18 p.m. Tuesday, March 9, 2010. She was 100 years old. Born in 1910 in Laconia, New Hampshire, she attended Emerson College and lived through two world wars and the Great Depression. She was an activist for her community and for her country, remaining active until the return of chronic respiratory problems four days ago.(So maybe I'll have to parties to goto this summer.)
She walked across the United States at the age of 90 in the year 2000, in a successful effort to promote the passage of the McCain-Feingold Campaign Finance Reform Act. In 2004, Granny D decided to challenge incumbent Senator Judd Gregg for his US Senate seat. She hoped to demonstrate that ordinary people can run for office and win with the support of small donations from individuals. Despite a shortened, grassroots campaign without the benefit of any advertising dollars, Granny D garnered an impressive 34% of the vote. During the past year five years, Granny D has traveled the country speaking about campaign finance reform and working on behalf of legislation for publicly-funded elections in New Hampshire.
In the 1960s, she and her husband, James Haddock, Sr., were instrumental in halting planned nuclear tests that would have destroyed a native fishing village and region in Alaska.
She raised two children, including the late Elizabeth Lawrenz of Washington D.C., and a son, Jim Haddock, who survives her and, with his wife, Libby, was at her side during many of her great adventures, including the final one today. She is also survived by eight grandchildren and 16 great grandchildren.
A public memorial service will be held this summer.
Granny D. was a great, powerful, funny, force. Her words and wisdom will be greatly missed.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Kickbox 1.
It has been almost 24 hours since my first FXB class. It was a kickbox extravaganza and 24 hours later I am starting to feel positive about it.
At the time I thought I'd die, but right now I am not all that sore. I have knots in my shoulder blades. My arms feel tired, but my legs are totally fine. I think I didn't push myself hard enough.
Where I have pushed myself is in my diet. FXB calls for 6 meals a day. Essentally 1/2 protein, 1/2 carb, and all water. It is not the making of food that I find hard, but the figuring out the right percentage of P or C.
I tend to be a binge eater, a little breakfast sometimes. Maybe a lunch although often I skip lunch, a big dinner and a snack later. So i thought the biggest adjustment would be to get myself to eat 6 times, but yesterday I was starving all day. After class yesterday all I did was try and shake my arms out (which is funny because anytime I tried to use my arms they shook like jello.) and plot my next meal. It was lucky yesterday was MLK day because I was no good for work. But i am ready for my bands class today, I just don't know how I'll be able to do a single push up. Abject aggression I guess.
At the time I thought I'd die, but right now I am not all that sore. I have knots in my shoulder blades. My arms feel tired, but my legs are totally fine. I think I didn't push myself hard enough.
Where I have pushed myself is in my diet. FXB calls for 6 meals a day. Essentally 1/2 protein, 1/2 carb, and all water. It is not the making of food that I find hard, but the figuring out the right percentage of P or C.
I tend to be a binge eater, a little breakfast sometimes. Maybe a lunch although often I skip lunch, a big dinner and a snack later. So i thought the biggest adjustment would be to get myself to eat 6 times, but yesterday I was starving all day. After class yesterday all I did was try and shake my arms out (which is funny because anytime I tried to use my arms they shook like jello.) and plot my next meal. It was lucky yesterday was MLK day because I was no good for work. But i am ready for my bands class today, I just don't know how I'll be able to do a single push up. Abject aggression I guess.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Extreme Body Shaping: and me.
I had an awful fall.
In September of October (I don't remember which) I had a terrible asthma attack during which I had 3 steroid injections, took oral steroids for almost 6 weeks, took an inhaler, 4-6 breathalyzers daily, and was taking about 10 pills every morning. The 2 worst parts were that I was never getting any better, and I couldn't interact with my family. I couldn't walk up stairs, I couldn't read books, I certainly couldn't play outside or rough house. The asthma was followed by a bout of flu and 2 rounds of strep-throat.
For some reason, then, I decided I needed to make changes to my lifestyle.
Katy, my wife, had a terrible fall too. For Christmas we gave each other the 10 week class--Farrell's Extreme Bodyshaping.
10 weeks of 6 meals a day and 6 workouts a week.
So we found ourselves at 7:00am Saturday January 16th at the Kickboxing gym, ready for our orientations. The 3 hour class, was
A step test to see if we were fit enough to proceed...Just barely for me.
60 seconds of sit ups...24
60 seconds of push-ups...14
a picture for posterity
a mile run...11:31
and a lecture on FXB nutrition...1/2 protein, 1/2 carb, lots of veggies and tons of water....
Plus we got gloves, wraps, and a t-shirt.
Appalled by the push ups and sit ups, I knew I was weak, but not pathetic, I was rather pleased with the run, the time was irrelevant, but the fact that my breathing was easy and free and I had energy throughout made me feel like I had a chance in class today.
Today is the official beginning. In a minute i'll walk out the door for my first kick-box class.
To get ready I began the diet.
1/2 cup of grapenuts.
1/2 a protein shake...which made me wanna retch.
And now I am powering through some cottage cheese.
I do not mind small portions. I do not want to eat 6 times a day, but I will. But eating all this protein, bland dairy, protein shakes and bars? that might kill me.
Stay tuned for tales of sweat and fun.
In September of October (I don't remember which) I had a terrible asthma attack during which I had 3 steroid injections, took oral steroids for almost 6 weeks, took an inhaler, 4-6 breathalyzers daily, and was taking about 10 pills every morning. The 2 worst parts were that I was never getting any better, and I couldn't interact with my family. I couldn't walk up stairs, I couldn't read books, I certainly couldn't play outside or rough house. The asthma was followed by a bout of flu and 2 rounds of strep-throat.
For some reason, then, I decided I needed to make changes to my lifestyle.
Katy, my wife, had a terrible fall too. For Christmas we gave each other the 10 week class--Farrell's Extreme Bodyshaping.
10 weeks of 6 meals a day and 6 workouts a week.
So we found ourselves at 7:00am Saturday January 16th at the Kickboxing gym, ready for our orientations. The 3 hour class, was
A step test to see if we were fit enough to proceed...Just barely for me.
60 seconds of sit ups...24
60 seconds of push-ups...14
a picture for posterity
a mile run...11:31
and a lecture on FXB nutrition...1/2 protein, 1/2 carb, lots of veggies and tons of water....
Plus we got gloves, wraps, and a t-shirt.
Appalled by the push ups and sit ups, I knew I was weak, but not pathetic, I was rather pleased with the run, the time was irrelevant, but the fact that my breathing was easy and free and I had energy throughout made me feel like I had a chance in class today.
Today is the official beginning. In a minute i'll walk out the door for my first kick-box class.
To get ready I began the diet.
1/2 cup of grapenuts.
1/2 a protein shake...which made me wanna retch.
And now I am powering through some cottage cheese.
I do not mind small portions. I do not want to eat 6 times a day, but I will. But eating all this protein, bland dairy, protein shakes and bars? that might kill me.
Stay tuned for tales of sweat and fun.
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