3 questions_answered

Dear I Offered,

We recently received notice that we are approved by the United States government to adopt an orphan, which means we are officially on the "waitlist" with our agency.  Although we are thrilled, over the moon excited about this, we also have so many reservations.  Will we be good parents to this kid who doesn't look like us, doesn't share our genes and has experienced immense trauma and loss in his/her little life?  Adoption for us is a selfish act.  Many people express to us the opposite; that we are somehow saving this child.  Is it right to take a child from their mother country for a "better" life only to fulfill our selfish desires to become parents when we otherwise wouldn't?  

These are rather rhetorical questions, so here is my real question.  Should we send out a mass "we're expecting!" email to everyone we know?  I'm conflicted.  We are far from the point of referral, but yet we need support, emotionally and financially to survive this.  I honestly don't really like it when others send out these types of emails.  I know some of the responses will be hurtful to me.  "Why did you decide to adopt?" ... nobody would ask a pregnant woman why she decided to have a baby.  "How much will it cost?" "So the child will be black?"  "Why not [enter other country here like Haiti or the US]?".  So do the benefits outweigh the negatives?  

-Potential Adoptive Parent

Dear Pap Smear,

First, congratulations! (on being my first official letter response. You are a trail blazer.)  
Part of what you are asking is, How can we feel the expectancy or joy of "normal" parents. Are you nervous, annoyed, over sensitive, unable to visualize your new life? Do you day dream of holding your baby? Have you picked out colors for Shim's wedding? Do you try to talk to random toddlers? Argue with your own parents?  Congratulations you are an expectant parent.**

I say certainly let your important friends and relatives know of your progress towards uniting with your baby--if they don't know yet why you are adopting this would be a good time to tell them.  These are the people that are going to give you the long term and tender support you desire. They always have they always will (or wont).*** 

I am most interested in your list of hurtful statements. I think you know they are not hurtful questions [even "why are you doing this" isn't mean. You are right people don't ask that but I WANT to ask every pregnant women: "What the hell is going through your mind." I want to ask every 2 year old that too] The questions are ham-fisted attempts to understand (and understanding is often about engaging). They are questions I would and have asked.**** Birth is beautiful and mysterious and so is adoption (both adjectives!). The hurt in your questions is partially dependent on how you feel about the person asking. You'd be ok with me asking, "why not China?" but not if the hated uncle asks?  But fuck him, all he's asking is why you chose strawberry bubble gum, he's annoying and a deal (and you might even love and care about him) but its no different than puking on your rug at Christmas. To the best you can give people the benefit of the doubt and maybe they will understand beauty when presented with it.

However your question is "how do I deal with questions that hurt me." and grows out of your experience trying to get pregnant (you are currently still trying to have a baby).  Loss and Grief are funny things. My father died 6 weeks ago and I definitely feel worse about it now than then. I am like a love-sick teenager listening to top 40 radio, words like "death" and "dad" pop out everywhere and remind me of him. And when they do there is a moment where I am outraged that the world could be so insensitive to my loss. How can they talk about dads when I just lost mine? The underlining pain you feel, your perceived sense of personal failure or loss, The efforts you have undertaken to have a baby (see above), both the process and social certification you have been presented with and excluded from, are still fresh in your mind. And they will be until Shim shows up--not to minimize your feelings or experiences, but, that is expectancy and parenthood. yippee.

I think knowing others good intentions is helpful, "I am hurt but they were not hurtful." is much better than "that question was hurtful to me." and knowing that your sadness is real, justified, and personal is helpful in letting the feelings flow through. When I am reminded of my dad--even in idiotic ways--I pause for a second, think of him, he is closer to me then, and move on.
Because (lets deal with your rhetorical questions)
You are having a baby. And you need to realize you have several distinct and great (and isolating) advantages. To you your baby is a gift, an honor, an obligation, an experience, a fulfillment, a fright. Parents could not have a better set of traits.  Also I think those are not actually your questions but the voices of other peoples and others concerns in your head, and more fear of not being certified (you married an ugly and balding man, you didn't care, you have no problem walking down the street holding his hand).  But still: "Is it right to take a child from their mother country for a 'better' life only to fulfill our selfish desires to become parents when we otherwise wouldn't?" I don't know what right is, and run from whoever tells you they do. I don't know what the accident of geographical birth is.
5
As for the trauma your baby will have experienced, I do not know, and honestly it would scare me away. But I do know that life is a funny thing, so fragile and so difficult to erase. People are resilient and adaptable they have a lifesaving ability to believe that where they are is where they should be.  And its your baby goddamn it. It is supposed to be with you.

 Now just just don't fuck it up.  -G

Dear I offered, 

In your October 23, 2008 blog you state, “It does not matter if your argument is reasonable, just that your logic is sound.”  Here’s my question:  did that phrase come from my ten year old, Miles?  He is wonderful at arguing, isn’t usually very reasonable, but somehow it is logical.  Does he have a future as a lawyer?  And if so, how do I deal with him in the meantime before I shuffle him off to ten years of college?

Respectfully submitted - Angie

 Dear Over Sensitive Mother,

No. He was only 8 then.  That post was for the first incarnation of this blog--platitudes for life. Platitudes interested me because they are helpful, truthful, insightful but never as much as they claim. I don't think you want me to unpack this platitude, I think you want to tease me and your son. So:
I do not sure that I am arguing for logic in this platitude, more saying American Society values what they perceive as logic a,b,c more than reason (or more than acting reasonable).  But If I was going to write it today not as a platitude but in an assignment sheet for a composition essay I would change some things around, maybe: Your assertions should contain sound reason and logic. This does not mean they will be right or even helpful. (and reason is really more like detail or description there).
I can re-write the sentence 4 or 5 different ways but I'd rather start insulting you.

By saying Miles is not reasonable it seems are you saying he is emotional? You say that his arguments--I am going to call them assertions which carries less negative baggage--are logical. So why is he upset? Because he does not get what he wants? Because it appears you are not hearing his assertion? that you respond to his lack of reasonableness not his assertions?  As parents, and teachers, it is our job to identify the gems hidden in our children and foster them.  I might be misreading your use of reasonable, but... just because he is being unreasonable does not mean there is no reason. Figure out the reason why he is not very reasonable and help foster that.


And finally, who cares what he is going to do. You asked for this shit. Enjoy it. He's bright, smart, loved. That will take him a long way in this world.  -G

Anonymous said... Funny and insightful! Here's my question:

My closest and longest-lasting friendships all seems to be with members of the opposite sex. I think this is either because I trust men more than other women or because I have an unconscious need to care for others, and men let me do this job. Is it a problem that my best friends are all guys? How can I change this? 

Dear Scaredycat,
How can I answer this question but with stabs in the dark? I don't know you, your age, your occupation, your marital or parental status. If your question is, "how do I become bosom buddies with girls?" the answer is: suck more cock and spend more time listening to what your female friends have to say.  By alienating your male friends (introducing uncomfortable sexual issues into your friendships) you will have more time to spend with girls and be to jaw-sore to talk much.

Trust and care are pretty similar things. You'll notice that what I told you to do for your new girlfriends is care more, trust more. Attentive listening is the best way to care for someone (it is also the best way to have you ear chewed off and be taken advantage of...but this then is clearly not your best friend anyways) and by its nature involves trusting that your needs are/will be taken care of.

Is it a problem to have all guy friends as your best friends? Only if you feel it is and only if you feel then like it makes you less about yourself.  Otherwise, be nice to who is nice to you and forget it. -G


*The majority of women have had a miscarriage or more, and once that has happened pregnancy is not much more than anticipation deferred and irrational fears unrealized. I am an unemployed blogger, I can't help you with the $ part, except to say it will take care of itself, it has to. The extent that this doesn't answer your question or desire, might reside in the word "normal" you want the process to be as regular, as socially polite as possible. But you know there is no such thing as that and your desire is more selfish that the selfishness you list above. Your situation is extra-ordinary (as is pregnancy and birth btw), and like all parenting it is a journey into unfathomable love and consequence, a testament to the biological desire to reproduce.
**As you know I was/am bitter that you got a second bridal shower when we didn't get a baby shower (and we kept our first one!) So you don't feel left out I am going to take the stand that adoptive parents do not deserve baby showers.
***The widespread "were expecting" email is unimportant, you want people to certify your decision and you are afraid they wont certify you how you'd like and/or they will disagree with you. Fuck 'em. But the more solid your announcement is. "the baby is coming in 2 weeks." "We have been certified." the more positive their response. When we were thinking of names for Nyssa we'd give people a list and no one ever said they liked Nyssa as a name, in fact it was ridiculed more than once--people tease what they can't see--but once her name was a true fact we've heard no complaints.
****If you don't want to be asked hurtful questions then don't have a kid (You are having a kid, not getting.), "How come you are packing grand-pa's stuff from his and grand-ma's apartment?" 
*5 Here is a tip you wont find in any parenting book. Being selfish as a parent is necessary and important. They will call it giving boundaries, finding "me" time, or other bullshit, but assuming you take good-great care of your kid, doing what you want, not caving in, is good for them.