Seashells and balloons

Last night I had a funnysweet time with Nyssa. Last week I had the worst moment of my parenting life so far, which is I guess an example of how lucky I've got it. But it was still terrible in its way, in that one thing is many things. One failure is many.
The short story is that Nyssa has developed a fear of mascots (and men in general...which is a different topic) and we were out at a theme restaurant, Nyssa, Leila and I, with friends and she saw a mascot. Where as moments before she was a social and excited as I've seen her, after a brief and very distant mascot sighting, she was shy and clingy and unwilling to have fun. I tried every tactic I could to re-assure her the mascot was gone and would not come back. i had staff explain it was gone to her. But there was nothing I could do. While i was trying to get her to settle back into having fun, I was positive and supportive and gentle. I was understanding and I tried to explain what was happening while not forcing her into uncomfortable situations (remember this is the short version) But eventually the only option that remained was to leave, to go home.
After she refused to let me set her down in the parking lot, after she was still frightened when removed from the area, I was overwhelmed with sadness. To an extent I've not really recovered a week later.
I know that she is 2. I know 2 is not forever or everything. I know 30-50% of all kids her age hate mascots. I know that I did everything I could and did it well. I know that although in trying to show her the "danger" had passed I made it worse, made her feel as though I would bring her to the spot of danger, the showing her what happened to the mascot was the right choice. I know I was a good dad, I performed my duties admirably. And all of that adds on to how sad I feel, because I failed. I failed to comfort her, because it was not possible to comfort her. I failed to keep her safe, because she perceived danger.
The forecast today calls for mid-60's. When I went outside this morning it was about 38 degrees, I wore a tee-shirt and was comfortable. I was comfortable because a part of me expected the afternoons warmth. If the forecast had been for snow I would have worn a jacket and hat. It still would have been 38 degrees, but a tee-shirt in snow would have left me cold.
I fail Nyssa constantly, (and Katy and Leila and even AnnieandMacy) its what happens when you love someone, its just an unimportant fact. You fail and you move on. What got me about the mascot fiasco, gets me, is that I did everything right, everysingledetail, and I still failed her, failed to protect her. It seems like a small thing, like my response is out sized to what happened, but it is not. you gotta trust me, its not. And I am not even taking the next step, that if I can't protect her from a mascot, how can I protect her from "real" bogeymen? Like death or illness or insurance agencies.
If you don't get it by now, I can't explain it better.

Last night Nyssa and I completed a puzzle together...The NCAA Tournament Bracket puzzle. It was a little like my father and I when I was in college. I would read the teams and Nyssa would pick. "Memphis or To Be determined" was the first match up, and i was worried when she picked TBD. It was the only pick that I actively talked her out of. All I wanted was for her to be able to beat Phil's mom, and Nyssa's National Champion is a reasonable pick, so we'll see.
Nyssa was diligent if occasionally disinterested. But I was a proud poppa. If you'd like to compete against Nyssa (and I) drop me an email and I'll invite you into my espn group, "The Magic Al's".
Named after my good friend Al McGuire. My good friend in the sense that everything I know about basketball, not much, you?, I learned from listening to him on Saturday mornings. I watched a lot of basketball as a kid, so obviously I must have heard other announcers, but I don't remember anything any of them said, except for Al.
He was smart, succinct, and funny. He started my affection for Marquette basketball, who have a fair draw, a fair chance to make a run to the second weekend, and for the game itself. this story from Wikipedia, is probably apocryphal, but also a perfect snapshot into Al's character.
"After college, McGuire played in the NBA, first with the New York Knicks (1951–53) and then with the Baltimore Bullets (1954). While with the Knicks, he once famously pleaded with his coach for playing time, with this guarantee: "I can stop (Bob) Cousy." Inserted into the lineup, McGuire proceeded to foul Cousy on his next six trips down the court."
McGuire, for me is like a favorite book. You read it and loved it and in part forgot about it, but when reminded can open to any page and be reminded and informed by it all over again. That is what happened to me, when looking for a name for my bracket group, I thought if I was going to name it after him I'd need a quote, and reading through a selection I remembered what an easy symbol of greatness he was.